Wiping Butts

Is it weird I still wipe my 4 year olds butt?

I insist on wiping all my kids butts until they pass a rigorous proficiency test that proves they are capable of thoroughly cleaning their own areas.


Poop is disgusting, I hate it.

No. Look me square in the computer monitor so I know your with me.

I. FREAKING. HATE. POOP.

I've written extensively about my professional hatred of sh*t.



I use 7-10 wipes every time I change Baby Kenley's diaper.

My Husband is ridiculously frugal and almost vomits every time he witnesses my wasteful wipee usage.

It's caused significant probs in our marriage. Worth it though.
I'm not about to use one wipe and let baby crap seep through onto my hands.

Back to wiping my 4 year olds butt though.....

I don't want him to do a sub-par job and then I have to scrub the residual skid marks out of his undies. GROSS.

When it comes to wiping your kid's butt, how old is too old?

A while ago, my friend Christie was APPALLED that I still wiped Cryin Ryan's butt. He was around 4 years old at the time.
She said she would literally kill herself if she was still wiping her kid's bum at that age.

That was the first time I looked inward and realized that I couldn't wipe his butt till he goes to college (although I am a fantastic mom so I totally would.)

I seriously googled "how to teach your kid to wipe his own ass".

One of the articles suggested demonstrating it.
Like, I'm supposed to pantomime wiping my own rear end in front of my children?
No thank you Mam', I have already messed up my kids enough.

And I really don't want my kids telling the neighbors how "mommy pulls down her pants and we saw her butthole."


I know butt-wiping is a skill everyone should master. And as a devoted mother, is it my job to teach them.
I just really don't want to scrub it out of their underwear though!!!...….

That's DIS-GUST-ING.

I'm not about to wash poop undies with the rest of our laundry. 
I gag when I think about poop undies, Tide detergent, my clothes, and fabric softener marinating together in a washing machine. 
*dry heaves.

I have thrown multiple pair of undies away because a miniscule speck of turd was on it.
Frugal husband wasn't happy about that game plan either.

I know I'm going to have to teach Tyler, my precious little angel of a 4 year old, to wipe in the near future.

Pray for me and all the poop stamps that will litter my household and permeate his clothing.

Marriage Deal Breakers

Last May, Husband and I celebrated/mourned our 13th anniversary. 

Just kidding.
We 100% celebrated.

Our celebration consisted of Subway sandwiches and having midday sex in the laundry room hoping our kids wouldn't walk in on us.
#truelove

Let's be honest here. Like, I hate my Husband sometimes. HATE.

And also, he hates me sometimes.

You wouldn't believe how pissed off he gets when I let the gas in my car get under 1/4 of a tank (which is 90% of the time) or when I let my cell phone battery run out (which happens all the time too.)

I know I'm awful.

I can self-assess. I can look inside myself.

I accept it.

But more importantly, my husband accepts it. 

Last week I was thinking, what would be some deal breakers for me in regards to my marriage.
I need to start setting rules so I can keep him on his toes. 

For instance, if he lost all his teeth or ever exhibited poor oral hygiene...

DEALBREAKER.

If he ever participated in musical theatre...

DEALBREAKER.

If he ever took longer than me to get ready...

DEALBREAKER.

Refused to have sex with me on my timeline...

Took up a side job in the porn business...

Sold one of our kids on the black market (unless its my 4 year old, then that's totally cool with me)…

Started crying during movies...

Bleached his butthole...

ALL. DEAL. BREAKERS.

Luckily Husband has never committed any of the above atrocities. 

If he ever did though, things would be 100% over, no questions asked.

I totally married for looks and not money. Not sure how fiscally responsible that was on my part.

BUT... He builds stuff and is super sexy when he does, so I'll likely stay just for that.

 I'm a solid 92% sure I will be married to him forever.

Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.