Blogging Again! Maybe!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't blogged for so long!!!!!!!
I know you cry a little bit inside when you cant read my motivating blog posts regularly.

I've taken a long hiatus from blogging because I've been focusing on myself.
I have been working on becoming a kinder, more spiritual person than I once was.

Just Kidding!

If anything, I'm a lot worse than I used to be.
I have 3 kids now.
Let's be Honest.... I'm barely keeping it together.




I didn't know that after the third kid, your laundry pile grows exponentially.

I also miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get three kids in a freaking car.

Any of you that have read DPRT from the beginning know that I am a chronic under-achiever.
Like, look at me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch at 3am on a Friday night.
No, I didn't go to any parties or hang out with friends.

I only have like, 4 friends anyway. And they are all like me.
Anti-social.

I'm talking about Lisa and Marianne specifically...
You too, Steph...

A solid text message every month is all I need to keep a friendship strong.

I sometimes stay up late at nigjt because this is the only time I can hang out with myself.
I am a girl who needs alone time.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And I kind of like my cat.

But I also kind of like writing offensive blogs.
So maybe I'll make more time for that.
And who knows.... maybe I'll even start showering regularly again.

Don't cross your fingers.

(Appropriate) Maternity Photos: Part I

I got professional maternity photos taken.
Like a real live Mom that is proactive and cares about fancy pictures.


Have you guys seen the incredible maternity pics that everyone takes nowadays? Like being pregnant is super special or something?!?!

I know a ton of slutty girls who get knocked up, so being with child is not that monumental.

Just kidding. Yay(!) for pregnancy and Yay(!) for little babies.

I am a nasty, nasty human when I'm knocked up. The last thing I wanted was photographic evidence of it.

BUT, I happen to be cool enough to have friends in high places, and the high place I'm talking about is Sew Trendy Accessories.
I know it's hard to believe I have real live friends but just go with me here.

Sew Trendy is an industry leader in  beautiful maternity dresses. Seriously. Look at the website.
Tyson and Valerie Best are the owners and also happen to be my friends. I've known Tyson since middle school and he is a clever little $hit, and also a dad/closeted gangster.
This is thier youngest/ridiculously cute child modeling one of their photo prop crowns.

Sew Trendy - Dominic Crown

I know. Most awesome baby pic ever.  


Valerie started the company in her basement. She didn't even know how to sew. But since she is obviously brilliant and a hard worker she now has a huge warehouse factory and 45+ people working for her.
I don't know how she gets everything done and balances all the amazing-ness. She is like a white Beyonce, if Beyonce made maternity gowns and photo accessories.

photo from here

They hooked me up with an incredible handmade dress (all their dresses are handmade). I can't even tell you how excited I was to dress up.


 I got the Leyah gown.
I chose to have it made in innocent and pure white fabric - even though it's clear by my baby bump and by the way that I do my makeup that I am not a virgin... or even virgin-ish for that matter.

This style is one of those infinity dresses that you can wear a ton of different ways.

Plus this dress is awesome because you can wear it when you aren't pregnant too and it still looks amazing.

 photo from here

I'm sure you have seen the maternity photo shoot pics with the amazing dresses - where the mom looks all angelic, classic, and perfectly pregnant.
Well that's the aesthetic I wanted when I called Ashley Bridgewater who is a good friend and an even good-er photographer.

I seriously have 4 or 5 friends, so for me to claim a friendship with someone is a pretty big step. I'm even thinking of introducing her to my parents. It's serious you guys.
Actually Ashley is my little sister's friend, but that's basically the same thing, right?

Check out her magical Instagram:

Ashley Bridgewater Photography

She also sells herself for money. But not like a prostitute, more like a photographer. If you live in Utah book her. She is awesome with kids and knows how to work with crappy amateur models (like me.) 

Ashley knows all the secret locations for photo shoots and took me to this one by the Great Salt Lake.

LOOK AT MY AMAZING DRESS.

Sew Trendy has a Facebook page, Twitter, and Pinterest account if you like to look at pretty things or want to creepily stalk them like I do.

!!!!!!!!!
So pretty, right!?!?
I got the flower crown from Sew Trendy too. 
I was super excited because, like I said, I feel nasty and gross when I'm pregs.

I was so happy with the pics that I convinced Ashley to take some more pics of me at some locations that I had scouted out......



PART II COMING SOON!
(Trigger warning: do not read part II if you've ever had bad experiences as a pregnant stripper.)



(Oh yeah... I am not obligated to give Sew Trendy positive reviews or even review them for that matter. I just am really stoked about the dress and that my friends are kicking butt at life.)

Memory Tables, Cat B-holes, and Phallic Squash

I've been pretty bummed since Grandma Annette died.
She was really one of my very bestest friends ever in the entire universe.

I know everyone dies. I know we all experience loss. I'm aware that Grandma Annette was old and had an incredible life.

But I just miss her.



I'm not a sad, emotional type of person. Usually, I laugh at everything, swear, make nasty jokes, and have a bad attitude about life. I am normally really good at ignoring my feelings.

I guess people can tell when you are sad and not yourself.

I've received comments and emails from you guys which is so kind. People I've never met offering me words of comfort renews my faith in mankind.

My sis-in-law, Stephanie, brought me bright flowers and sugar cookies. It was so thoughtful and nice that I almost cried on my doorstep like a little baby.

My mom brought me candy I like and a children's book that is so sweet and poignant that I can barely get passed the second page without tears.

 

My friend Gayle immediately texted me  from California - where the funeral was - and offered to organize the food for the funeral. She literally would have done anything we needed her to. She is awesome and has a equally awesome daughter named Lizzy.
Gayle even lent me white tablecloths


for the memory table (that's probably not the correct term, but it's the tables in the reception area at a funeral where you put a guestbook and a ton of pictures.)

It was so nice of her to trust me with anything white.


Then a few days ago I found a huge phallic squash placed on my doormat.

If the giver of this was trying to make me feel better by giving me penis shaped food it totally worked.
If the giver was simply sharing their harvest it still made me laugh because I'm a 10 year old boy who laughs at wiener stuff.

My "I look hotter than you in a bikini" friend, Christie, sent me a card all the way from Florida.
The envelope was deceiving and didn't prepare me for what was inside.


Look at what her innocent little boy drew on the envelope.

I opened it up and found myself staring into this:

A cartoon cat's butt-hole.
What is wrong with her?

I always knew Christie was a good artist, but this could be her best drawing yet.

 A seriously heartwarming note was written inside.

It's nice to have friends that just get you.


P.S. My kitten lays on it's back when I hold him.

(BTW, Christie, you should draw and post it on your blog. Do what I say.)

Hairy Lumberjacks

One of my favorite/inappropriate friends, Christie, came to visit a few weeks ago.  Now that I've moved back to Utah, she has moved away. Of course. Her husband is in Med school in Missouri. She really needs to get her priorities straight and move back to Utah, so we can have playdates.

I thought it would be fun to roll out a huge paper and let the boys paint nicely. Instead, Christie's cute little boy, Issac, was like "What in the Stay-At-Home-Mom-Hell is this?"

 

 

Clearly, I may have a kid-crafts pinterest addiction that I take out on any child near me. Issac was not even impressed by my huge roll of paper or amazing paint brush collection.

While Christie and I painted cute pictures, The boys dumped a whole bottle of water on the paper and spread it around to ensure our masterpiece was ruined.

After that disaster, we punished our kids by making them dress up like hairy lumberjacks.

My kids are used to being dressed up and peacefully submitted when I painted their beards on.

Once again, Isaac was not amused.

He was disgusted that Christie and I had the audacity to paint his cute little face. He smeared it everywhere while Christie expertly snuck the brown paint on here and there. It may have looked more like poop than like a beard, but we just went with it.

Of course Isaac managed to make a dookie beard look adorable:

 

 

 

Man-beard Ryan stares off into the distance: 

 

 

Tyler looks suggestively into the camera:

 

 



 

 

"What's up? My name is Christie and I like to look cute all the time so you look like a dump next to me! Hee hee hee!!!!!" - what Christie was thinking as we took these pictures:

 

 



 

 

Screw you for being a hot mom Christie. Screw. You.