Boob Milk

We need to talk about breastfeeding.

Why is there so much angst and controversy about breastfeeding?
A lot of people get so worked up about topic and I don't get it. 

I breastfed both my kids in public, but I always used a cover.
I don't want creepers sneaking a peek of my frost detectors.

My sis Megan has no qualms about naked-boob-feeding anywhere. Even in front of our family.
I would feel really weird about my dad and brothers seeing my nips, and the thought makes me squirm a little.

This is not a judgment on Megan, it's just how I personally handle my titties.
She should do whatever she wants. 

While I cover up, I don't understand the problem a lot of people have with exposed-boob public breastfeeding.
It's just boobs, people.

Why are some people so offended when when they see a mom's boobs while she's feeding her baby?

If the mom was like squirting her milk all over everyone, then I could see how that might be offensive. Or if she was breastfeeding everyone else's kids too. Or if she tried to breastfeed your husband.... That could be weird.


But with all the evil things happening in our world you would think it's nice to see a mother caring for and feeding her child.

Source: http://www.running-mom.com/breastfeeding-in-public.html

It's sweet. It's innocent. It's just boobs.

Plus, one time I saw this girls nips and boob-matter while she was breastfeeding in public, and I survived and continued to live my life. 


Also, I don't understand why some moms judge other moms for not breastfeeding.
Who cares? Breastfeeding doesn't work out for everyone. Not every woman loves it.

Breastfeeding Ryan was a pain in the tits.

I only fed him for 6 months and couldn't wait to be done. I breastfed Tyler for 10 months and it was only slightly more enjoyable since it meant I had to sit down and read a book for 30 minutes.

I had some other moms throw judgemental comments my way because I didn't breastfeed "long enough."

I can't imagine the remarks that mothers who don't breastfeed have to put up with.
I've heard people say women who don't breastfeed do not bond with their children, they are selfish,  and that their tits are not flat and flopping as the rest of us.

Non-breastfeeding moms -
If it makes you feel better, know that I support your non-breastfeeding decisions. I am here for you. I will talk with you about your perky boobs as much as you want.

I get that a lot of women LOVE it.
And good for them. If some mothers choose to do extended breastfeeding and feed their kids longer than "normal", who cares?

My friend Christie will probably breastfeed her little boy until he goes to college.
No big deal though. Her kid is nice, chill, and adorable.

I'm sure she gets some sideways glances because she can eat whatever she wants and stays thin while still having big chesticles.

How about all us moms not worry about each others boobs, because it's actually not a big deal.

Let's just all be breast friends.

Boobs and Butts

Remember how huge boobs used to be all the rage?
Well don't worry my large-breasted friends, big boobs are still cool.

Do you know what's even more popular now though?
BUTTS. Where. your. poo. comes. out.

A ton of people are getting boob and butt jobs.

I was always pretty bitter having small breasts but now I have to deal with my insufficient butt too.  It's not right.


I took a bunch of African-American History/Sociology classes in college because that stuff is fascinating and also because I want to be black.
I was usually one of the only white students.

One lecture was about stereotypical differences in White people and Black people.

Someone said - There's the stereotype that Black girls have big booties and White chicks have no booty.

Then another dude says - That's no stereotype, that's true. Look at  Shaniqua's butt then look at Emily's...... See?!?!?!

I had to stand up and offer proof of my insufficient white booty.

Then I felt sad in my heart because even though parts of me are black on the inside, I knew I would never be black on the outside.


Everywhere I look in our society I see big tits and huge bums and it's not fair.

Girls are always posting skanky pictures of themselves all over social media.

It is probably offensive to many people who look at my profile and don't find soft-core porn selfies. (And to those of you who are offended by my lack of nudity, I apologize.)
I thank the good Lord everyday that social media and camera phones were not around during my high school and college days.  

My boobs were never something to brag about but breastfeeding my two kids has destroyed what little credibility I had.
My chest is literally inverted. Here, I will draw you a classy diagram:

Ummm.... yeah.


When girls I know get boob jobs I applaud them, then work up an unhealthy amount of jealousy.

I would love perky adult sized boobies.
I would take such good care of them. I would feed them, walk them, make sure they were socialized so they'd be nice around children and other people's boobs.
I would love to have a legitimate reason to wear a sports bra.
It would be cool to not be mistaken for an 11 year old boy. 

But every time I consider getting a Breastical Augmentation, I just can't do it.

Walking around with two bags of silicone in my body seems so biologically wrong.
Sleeping on my stomach would be difficult.
What if the surgery goes bad, my boobs come out looking like tube socks and I end up on Dr. Phil?
What if when I  have another baby and the baby doesn't like the taste of silicone?
Touching my elbows together would be borderline pornographic.
Skipping and jumping rope would be out of the question.



But even while I feel my butt and boobs are inferior, I find solace in the fact that every time I go online, "Hot, Young Singles" are looking to meet me for only $29.99/month.

Judging Judgers

I like to think I'm an open-minded person.
I have to be. My life/kids/family is a mess.
And by mess, I mean awesome.

But seriously, I definitely admit I have faults. A lot.

I really try not judge people. I've lived outside of Utah and traveled all over the United States and 15 other countries and feel like I accept other cultures.

Even the ones that have thong underwear in their candy machines. Yes, I'm talking about you small town in Italy.

Throughout my life I have never experienced anything like Salt Lake County, Utah.
I lived in Salt Lake from the time I was 10 years old to 21 years old, so I have never lived here a real adult.

 Utah has a lot of Judgers.

I don't know why I feel there is a lot of judgement going on around here. Maybe it's the large amount of Super-Religious people, maybe because being Mormon in another state is an entirely different experience, maybe it's because I'm socially retarded.
Probably the last one.


What really pisses me off is that the judgers judge everyone then I judge them for judging. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't like to judge people for realsies. I hate it. It takes too much energy that I could be spending on other things like:

• Watching Barney
• Cleaning the goldfish crackers stomped in my carpet
• Washing my sheets since I drooled chocolate on them last night
• Writing smart-a*$ comments to my sister, Megan's, friends on Facebook
• Taking my monthly shower
• Pretending to cook by buying pre-made food at the store
• Making creepy mini-donuts with Cryin' Ryan

I like to make fun of people while generally accepting them.

Freaking Utah.

I need to figure out a way to stop judging all the judgers.
I think I will use my Mormon Girl Super Powers and make them some rice krispie squares and jello salad.

I could also put some homemade crafts everywhere in my house and get some spiritual vinyl quotes to put on my walls.

Sorry for judging you judgers.


I'm glad I live in the suburb city of Herriman. I think people out here are cooler than other places. I actually like the people I know here. Not that I hang out with them that much due to my anti-social-ness.

I like it here even though we went swimming at the Rec Center last night and a kid pooped in the pool.

Hooray for Mommy Wars!

You know how the new thing is to "stop the Mommy Wars"?  How we should all respect each other's parenting decisions and support each other as Mothers, blah, blah, blah?

While that's a nice sentiment, I'm secretly hoping the Mommy Wars rage on, because I love arguing and judging.

How am I supposed to feel confident as a Mother without the belief that other Mom's are screwing their kids up worse than I am?

I like when my bratty sister Feg-Feg's baby wakes up every hour at night for the entire 6 months he's been here.
I feel like I'm kicking butt because both my babies slept 8 hours at 2 months old.
Clearly I'm the better Mom.

I'm way better at breastfeeding than she is too.

See? We need to judge other mom's so we have a frame of reference.

Like when almost all my friends potty trained their kids at age 2 - 2 1/2, and my kid wasn't potty trained until after three and I had to bribe him with a bunch of toys to do it.

I needed to know that I was lacking in the peeing-in-the-potty department and veiled judgments from other Mom's put me in line.

Also, I need to be the recipient of dirty looks and judgment when I let Ryan do whatever he wants, like splash in oily puddles in the middle of a parking lot, or run with scissors.

Also, when Ryan wandered out naked at our friend's pool and tried to skinny dip, I knew the other Mom's were watching me and condoned my actions when I gave him a "thumbs up" and proud smile.

I love how different opinions and ideas keeps the world interesting.... especially when mine are mostly right.

Plus how awesome is it when you see someone doing something blatantly stupid with their kid and you know they'll be paying for it later? (Mostly because you did the same thing and you're currently paying for it.....)

Hooray for Mommy Wars!!!

10 Things: Stuff I Won't Pay For

There are some things in the world that I refuse to pay for. There is also a bunch of crap I will never pay full price for.

Here are some of those things:

1. Manicures and Pedicures

It would literally be painful for me to hand over cash for someone to do my nails. I can do it myself. Plus I hate people and don't want to talk to a stranger that long.

2. Pens and Pencils

Do you know how many places give out free pens and pencils? Tons.

3. Toys

Ryan has a way too many toys. I go through and donate a bunch of them every few months. With Grandmas who love to spoil him and awesome friends who give us their hand-me-downs, I have never bought Ryan a toy.

4. Home Remodeling Labor

I have a Jared for that.

5. Landscaper/Gardener

We have 1/2 an acre in California, which is a small miracle. The problem is that the yard is a year-round job. Since we have been remodeling our yard has been neglected. It looks like a jungle. We got a quote from a gardener to see how much it would cost for upkeep every month. He quoted $400..... $400!!!! That included one guy coming every other week for two hours.
Since when did gardeners get paid $100 an hour?
I'm not paying for that. I'll just leave it looking like a mess until our kitchen is done.

6. Babysitters

Why pay someone when you can trade with friends? Plus the babysitters here in Camarillo are expensive. Like, $10 an hour for 1 kid expensive.
I was forced to get a babysitter the last time I was in Utah, and she charged $2/hour. Of course I paid her more because I felt like I was ripping her off. I don't like to rip off teenagers.

7. A Maid

There are times when I have seriously considered hiring one, but I cannot justify paying for something I should do myself. It doesn't help that I'm a clean freak and would probably re-clean everything after the Maid left anyway.


8. A Car Wash

Another thing I should do myself.

9. Full Price Clothing

I live right by the Camarillo Outlet Stores. I also keep friends from when I used to work in retail at Lucky and Joe's Jeans. $40 for $180 jeans..... yes please.
When I can't get a discount, I don't buy it.

10. Anything full price at Michaels craft store

I use the 40% off coupons shamelessly. I make Pee-Baby buy items for me if I need more than one item.



Boring post, I know. Here is a picture to make it better.

The end.

Rape Prevention Tips

 I am slightly obsessed with socio-cultural articles, especially when they have anything to do with Mormonism.

An article I recently read, was mainly about how Mormonism may have affected Elizabeth Smart's actions while in captivity.
I want to focus on one of the minor points in the article. It outlines how our culture accepts Rape as an inevitable part of life.


We accept that men are naturally sexually aggressive, women are usually the target, and it is a women's responsibility to avoid rape. 

If women dress revealing they are "asking for it".
Rape victims are judged and blamed based on if they fought back hard enough.
We repeatedly excuse men's actions.

Most Rape Prevention organizations have tips to stop Rape.
We have all seen them. They circulate through facebook and group emails.
For example:

• Never go out alone at night
• Stay in well lit areas
• Carry pepper spray and a rape whistle
•  Say "No" firmly instead of using phrases such as "I don't think so"
  
•  Be. Repetitive.  Repeating "No"
•  If someone grabs you, yell, scream, kick and make a lot of commotion

Recently, a few people have started getting to the root of the matter.

Rape Prevention Tips should focus more on men, as they make up the majority of rapists.

The new tip sheet should look something like this:

• If you see a girl who is dressed slutty, don't rape her
• If a girl is walking in a dark alley alone, don't rape her
• If you are feeling rapey, stay at home for the night
• If you see a drunk girl passed out at a party, don't rape her
• If you want to have sex with someone and they say "NO", don't rape them
• If you are at a bar and have some GHD (date rape drug) in your pocket, don't use it to rape anyone
• Don't hide in people's homes with rapeful intentions
• If a girl is in her car at night in a parking garage, don't rape her

Hopefully the more we talk about this problem and hold men accountable, rape statistics will be lowered and rape victims will not have to deal with the embarrassment and blame that too often comes with it..

amen.

Talking Trash

I will tentatively admit that I watch some trashy reality shows. Pregnant teenagers? Botox-filled housewives? Fist pumping with no underwear on? Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe? Project Runway? Honey Boo Boo's gay pig? SIGN ME UP.

I find reality shows really entertaining but there are a lot of annoying things that come from them.
For instance, why does everyone use the same Cliches?

- "At the end of the day....."
- "It is what it is...."
- "I'm not here to make friends"
- "My head is on the chopping block"
- "They threw me under the bus"
- "They edited it to make me look bad"

Blah, Blah Blah. Switch it up people!

My main concern is with the current trend:

-"If you have something bad to say about me, you better say it to my face"

Can I just request one thing? If you have something bad to say about me, DON'T say it to my face. 

I don't want to hear all the crap everyone thinks about me. I know I am A-hole 90% of the time. I don't need other people to tell me about it. 

Humans are social creatures. We are going to get pissed off and have problems with other people. It's inevitable. We will even get mad at the people we love most. 

It is a great form of therapy to vent to others about all the idiots you have to deal with.

The main thing to be aware of is WHO you are talking mad trash to.
If you are the kind of person that vents to anyone who will listen, you are an idiot (and I am going to talk smack about you later).

I vent to ONLY three people: my Mom, my friend Lisa, and my favorite brother Jake. 
They know that I'm just getting things of my chest. They also don't act like little crybabies and tell everyone what I said about them. 
Once I'm done with said trash talking session, I am usually done with the situation and feel a lot better about it.

My Mom will listen to me rant but is too nice to say anything bad.

Jake and Lisa are the best to complain with. They don't know half of the people I whine about, but that doesn't stop them from joining in the fun. 

They will talk up a trash storm. It really brings me peace. 
amen.

Bad Decisions and a Pumice Stone

Have you ever heard of the old advice that you should toughen your nipples in preparation for breastfeeding?
I have.
And from about 15 different breastfeeding moms.
Most say you can just use a washcloth to rub your nips.

I wash my boobs everyday so I wasn't convinced that using a washcloth would help me achieve the tough nipples I was hoping for.

So.... I was showering and spotted my pumice stone on the shelf. It was new so I figured it would be perfect for nipple toughening.

Bad decision. amen.

My Commitment Problems

This past summer, my commitment to working retail was seriously questioned. I have worked at a few retail locations throughout my college career. They give awesome discounts and I can demand to be scheduled no more than 10 hours a week.

My boss at Joes Jeans, whom I'll call "Kerrie" because that's her name, called my allegiance into serious question.

I asked for the the week of the 4th of July off a month prior to my scheduled trip to Lake Powell. Then I found my name on the schedule.... I went to chat with Kerrie.

Me:I don't understand why I am on the schedule.

K: Well next week is the 4th of July so it's going to be busy and we're getting a huge shipment so you have to stay and help.

Me: Right........ So like I said, I'm going to be in Lake Powell next week..............

K: Mark asked for time off too and he didnt get it off either.

Me: Well Mark is the assistant manager, he is more invested in the store than I am. I barely work ten hours a week and get paid next to nothing. One of the only reasons I work here is because of the flexibility (and amazing discounts, but I didn't say that).

K: Obviously your commitment to Joes Jeans isn't up to the level I thought it was.

Me: Wait.... when exactly did you get the idea that commitment existed between me and my part-time retail job?

K: You can't just not show up for work.

Me: That's why I asked for it off a month ago.

K: Well, you're not allowed to take any time off next week.

Me: You're not my mom.

(I blink and look around the backroom)

Me: I'll let you know how awesome Lake Powell is when I get back.


But she showed me. When I came back my job, along with any devotion or commitment that may have existed, was gone. Now whenever I want a discount I have to bake the other coworkers cookies so they will purchase jeans for me. amen.

Belly Molestation

When I found out I was knocked up I had a few pressing concerns.

Initially, I was most nervous about (in this order):

1. Being responsible for another human
2. Belly rubs/molestation
3. Not being able to sleep on my stomach
4. Stretch Marks
5. Childbirth - not the pain, but more the fact that tons of people are totally going to see my kooter.

For some reason people's hands gravitate towards pregnant woman's stomachs. I'll admit I'm guilty of doing it too.

I am fiercely protective of my personal space and was FREAKED out by the idea that people would want to fondle my unborn child.
So I had big plans to derail any unwanted belly touching.
I had lay awake many nights and fully mapped out the following scenarios:

• Woman rubs my pregnant belly - I was going to rub theirs for the same duration

• Man rubs my belly - I yell "Rape!!!"

• Kid rubs my belly - I hit them in the face with it

And I was going to make this shirt -BUT.... it turns out I kind of like the belly rubs and they aren't awkward at all.... weirdly unexpected. And I feel dumb. amen.

Decisions with an 8-ball

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Insta-Shower

This stuff is genius. Sephora has once again introduced me to something that improves my quality of life so much, I had to buy 3.

CLEAN perfume. Shower Fresh, Fresh Laundry and Outdoor Shower Fresh.

But let's be honest.

I use this perfume in lieu of a real shower on a more frequent base than I like to admit. Especially given that I have an 8am class this semester.


Today I will wear Laundry Fresh.

Your welcome, girl that sits in the desk next to me.

Health 101

My sister in law is a cute thoughtful girl. While living in Ohio she was in High School and as you know, 17 year olds know everything. Jared and I were spending a quiet evening in my Father in law's living room, Jared's sweet sister, whom I'll refer to as Carly, entered the room to use the computer. My father in law, aka Lear-bear, was hanging out with us too.

We somehow got on the topic of how I am more "girlie" than Carly. Carly immediately disagreed, then graced us with the knowledge that she has more estrogen that I do, and therefore my girlishness was a facade. I was curious as to how she measured my estrogen without me knowing.

Jared asked: What makes you think your estrogen levels are higher?

Carly: Because my boobs are way bigger than Emily's.

Jared: Does that mean your vagina is way bigger too?


Carly ended up storming off to her room as Lear-bear and I fell on the floor laughing. I guess I would be mad too if my brother asked me about my big vagina and my dad giggled.

I am going to have to assume that our public schools are not doing a good job at this whole anatomy subject.
Further evidence: While hanging out with my little sister Sarah on our previous family vacation, I was surprised to learn about how male ejaculation really works. While eating Clam Chowder (ew!), Sarah taught me things I had never learned of before. Apparently Men only ejaculate when having sex. If they are simply um... doing it themselves, nothing comes out.
I asked Sarah if she thought her teacher had ever "done it" before, because surely a married woman would know what she is talking about. She answered that the teacher was pregnant, so we have got to assume everything that comes out of her mouth is gospel truth.

Class Review:

Now we know that boob size is in direct correlation with the amount of estrogen you have. Next time we see a man with boobs, we can assume that his estrogen levels are high.

Knocked up teachers are good resources for questions about male-parts and their functions.


(picture attributed to: http://www.womenshealthmatters.ca/)

Crime and Punishment part I

I think a new social contract is in order.

crime: an ugly girl wears slutty clothes in public
punishment: she must clean up litter along the highway for littering our minds

crime: pretty girl wears slutty clothes in public
punishment: any guys should be able to stare at her junk all they want and pretty girl can't act offended

c: leaving a log in a public toilet
p: offender must fish it out with bare hand and admit the loaf was theirs. (Why do people do this? Flushing is not that big of hassle...)

c: guys in the gym who lifting their shirt and scratching their stomach because they think everyone wants to see their abs
p: punch in the crotch.

c: answering all the Professor's questions in class
p: karate chop to the throat.

c: parking your basket in the middle of a grocery store isle
p: whoever you blocked gets to kick over either you or your cart, their choice.

c: leaving your whiny kids in the car while you shop
p: an awesome award.

c: talking on your phone, giggling like a drunk girl, or tapping on anything in the library
p: kicked out and a punch in the crotch.

c: driving like a moron
p: punch in the crotch.


Looking at this, I think that more often than not, punching all offenders in the crotch is the answer to all societies problems.... If I knew that next time I drove like an idiot I would get a crotch punch, I would defiantly think twice about it.

Dr. Laura would be proud. :(