I've already come to terms with the fact that a part of me will forever be an idiot.
What I can't come to terms with is the fact that my 3 year old is now part of that club.
You're probably thinking, but emily! How can a 3 year old be idiot?!
.... Easily.
I think all of us mothers can agree that pretty much all 3 year olds are not that smart.
Sometimes I think Tyler may be slightly dumber than his peers.
I present the following arguments:
T-Bag was playing with a toy gun at Cabela's and hit himself in the face resulting in a dent in his forehead.
He stupidly picked up this dead bird with his bare hands, then picked his nose and ate his booger. That idiot probably caught some bird disease. I had to teach him how to play with dead things with a stick.
I brought cupcakes to my brother Jake's house for the kids to decorate. We gave everyone candles and sang them all happy birthday, because that's how bored I was. Tyler tried to blow out his candle, got too close, and singed all his eyelashes off like a complete fool.
He was walking on the sidewalk, fell down, and landed on his face. Now his front tooth is all jacked up and dead.... from walking.
He is so lucky I think he's cute and funny, otherwise I would disown him fo' sure.
This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.
I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.
I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.
My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.
A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.
As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.
The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.
Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:
My hair.
I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.
Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.
Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.
Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?
Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie.
A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby.
It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.
The baby's room was a mess.
Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine.
I threw up in public.
I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.
I scratched my car.
I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.
There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.
I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.
It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it.
A guy hit on me at the grocery store.
That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?
My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.
It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.
My mom always made holidays special for us as kids.
I want to do the same for my little crotch muffins.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to put more of an effort in making special days awesome for them. Especially since I forgot T-Bag's birthday last year.
I stayed up a solid 25 minutes after my bedtime decorating my house with stupid Valentine's day stuff. I only did it because kids love decorations.
I hate clutter so the fact that I put up decorations is a testament to how much I'm willing to sacrifice for my kid's happiness.
By the way, why do kids like decorations so much? It's freaking weird.
In my pregnancy induced stupidity, I thought it would be a good idea to leave a confetti trail on the carpet.
I am an idiot.
I sprinkled hundreds of tiny red glittery hearts down our entire hallway.
Don't ever do this.
That picture does not illustrate the magnitude of glitter hearts that littered the hallway.
I realized what a bad decision this was immediately after the boys woke up, ran through them 50 times, and scattered them throughout the entire freaking house.
At least I tried.
After my late night decorating binge I started Valentines Day off right by making beautiful red pancakes for the boys.
The pancakes ended up looking more like raw hamburger patties, but my boys are used to my culinary failures.
At least I tried.
What I didn't fail at was the incredible heart-shaped peanut butter cookies I made later that night. That's the only thing I can make food-wise. cookies.
We had to go to Costco and because it was a day of dedicated to love, I let them do the thing they love most there. Jump in the pillow displays.
I'm sure the employees love it too.
I even made a bunch of paper hearts and hid them around the house for the kids to find.
I should of thought of this activity sooner. The kids loved it, and it kept them busy for 30 minutes which is a huge win in the parenting world.
I don't know if I can ever redeem myself for forgetting T-Bag's 2nd birthday, but at least I tried :)
