Stupid Things I've Cried About While Being Pregnant

This is actually hard for me to admit, but being pregnant with baby #3 has left me a sobbing mess.

I'm not a cryer.
I hate crying.

I have a sick sense of pride that tears rarely leave my body.

My first two pregnancy's had no effect on my emotions. I felt normal as far as emotions went.

A lot of people say that being pregs with girls is different than being pregs with boys.

As I looked back over the last 37 weeks, I realized what a crying little wuss I've been.
I don't know if it's because my baby has a vagina or if I'm turning into one.

The extra embarrassing part is what I cry about. It's the stupidest stuff ever. I would never shed tears over this stuff in real life.

Here is some of the stupid stuff I've been blubbering about:

• My hair.

I got my hair done a month ago. It was too blonde, so I cried 4 days in a row until I got it fixed. I even cried in front of Husband and it was super embarrassing.

Look how yellow/orange it was.
I sobbed about this on the phone to my mom. I know it's just hair. Embarrassing.

• Jared and I didn't have sex before he went out of town.

Because now he thinks I'm fat and ugly and he doesn't love me anymore. I just know it. And what if he dies and that was my last chance to bang him?

Don't worry though. I called him, he turned his car around, and came home for a quickie. 

• A video of a precious moment between a mom and baby. 

It made me cry but that didn't stop me from watching it 20 times.

• The baby's room was a mess.

 Yeah, I whimpered about this too. Then I just organized it and was fine. 

• I threw up in public.

I'm no stranger to throwing up in public, I do it all the time when I'm knocked up.
But now that I'm in the 3rd trimester it suddenly makes me cry.
I don't cry until I get home, but still.

• I scratched my car.

I don't even care about my car. I don't need the newest or coolest car.

There is a reason I drive an older inexpensive car, and that reason is because I like not stressing out about it. But you better believe I cried about scratching the car I don't care about. Why? Cause I'm pregnant.

• I peed my pants for the 8937089286th time.

It's frustrating and I'm sick of doing extra laundry. Plus, my 5 year old harasses and bullies me about it.

• A guy hit on me at the grocery store.

That is so freaking disgusting to me. A guy is really interested in hooking up with a girl who is pregnant with another man's baby? Ew, Gross. He was even wearing an Ed Hardy-esque shirt with rhinestones. What kind of world am I bringing a baby into?

• My brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Jenny, threw me a little birthday party.

It was so cute and unexpected. It was so nice of them. They made my favorite french dip sandwiches and got me cupcakes.

They bought me flowers and a meat stick.

 AND a freaking Raptor skull because skulls make me happy.

It was so nice. Of course I cried.

• I can't see my pubes good enough to trim them.

What is my ob/gyn going to think? I want to be judged by the content of my character and not my pube situation.




This is just a small sampling of all the stupid stuff I've cried about. Hopefully I'm not the only pregnant girl that does this.
WWHHAAAHHH!

Contour Fail / Mustache Win

Have you ever watched the beauty guru channels on YouTube?
They are addicting-ly fabulous.

 NikkieTutorials

jeffreestar

Why am I so late to this enchanting party?

I love makeup. It hides my adult acne, my eyebrow situation, and my insecurity.
I wear makeup everyday. I feel better when I am all ready and put together. It makes me feel like I can handle the shitshow day. 


If I didn't pull myself together and looked like a dump, I would straight up sit on my couch all and make sweet love to Netflix.

When I was 18-20 I worked as a manager at Victoria's Secret Beauty. This was 10-12 years ago when 1/2 of the store was all makeup, lotion, and edible massage oil.

Everyone knew how to do makeup decently well, we were good enough to sell it.
This was before the internet, YouTube, and Sephora.


After watching these videos, I now see the error in my crappy makeup skills.

My 18-20 year old self is embarrassed.

Speaking of Sephora, almost every time we go, Titty Monkey Tyler sneaks $30 lipsticks and applies it all over his face, until I realize what he's doing.
Then I take a picture.

I mean, I could stop him, but why would I want to? 

It's precious.
The employees love us there.

I've been wanting to try the whole face contouring thing and bought this Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit.
Mostly because it looked like it had buttloads of class.

(source)

It was so fancy that I felt like every time I handled it, I should have my pinky finger raised in the air.

I watched 327 contouring tutorials, took 6 hits of acid, said a prayer, and went to work.
And by acid, I mean goldfish crackers.


I tried hard, I really did.
But after 20 minutes of beauty blending I lost focus. Do people really take this long to put on foundation? I have butts to wipe, laundry to do, and a short attention span.

On a normal day I spend 10 minutes doing ALL my makeup. 

I felt like I had a thick layer of shellac on my face, but it still looked pretty much the same. I clearly need more talent than a makeup store at the mall afforded me.

I tried to redeem myself by doing sexy shimmer eye shadow but ended up looking like an amateur drag queen (which could have been awesome if I wasn't a stay at home mom).

I'm sure the Anastasia Beverly Hills contour kit is lovely, in the hands of a professional. 


Given Tyler's affinity for makeup, he stood and watched me fumble my way through my makeup.

It was so sweet because even though my face was a mess, he still asked me to put some on him.
It's like he loves me for who I am and not what I do.


When I was done with Tyler's summer glam look, he really wanted me to finish it off with a mustache.

Then he wanted me to finish mine with a mustache too.
My face was jacked up, so at this point a mustache could only help.
And it's not like I've never had a dirty sanchez before.

Next, he wanted "mom's other hair" and when I realized what he meant, I was glad it wasn't my pubes.

When I made him wash the makeup off, he totally over reacted.
He ran in his room and cried like an angry elf for 10 minutes.

At least Husband and I know that if we ever have a girl, she will be incredibly good looking.

Private Waxing

I have been considering waxing my private places for a few years.
I hate hair and shave everything from the neck down anyway.
Everyone I know that has waxed their nether-regions raves about the benefits of having a smooth chotch.

• easy wiping
• no strays showing up when you are wearing your swimsuit
• you can run faster

I was at Sephora a few weeks ago looking for something cool to waste money on.

I saw this:

Perfect.

I brought it home and set it on my bathroom counter.
I stared at it for a solid ten minutes trying to work up the courage to battle my overgrown forest.

It took a lot of creative thinking on my part. I had to get into some pretty advanced yoga moves to make sure everything was taken care of.

I was expecting an unbelievable amount of pain, but was pleasantly surprised when the pain level was only a 9.8937 out of 10.  (10 being the worst.)

Would I do it again?

Yes, especially because I have 1/2 of the wax left and I wouldn't feel right about throwing it away.



P.S. I can totally run faster now.

Just Stay Little

My friend, who happens to be an amazing hair stylist, told me on Sunday that I needed to cut Pee-baby's hair. 

 

  
Maybe she was right. 

Sunday night, Jared took the buzzers to Cryin Ryan's albino afro. 

Nothing is freakier than seeing your baby look like a twelve year old boy.  

It doesn't help that Ryan's first tooth is now visible.

I hate that babies grow so fast. 

It's disturbing.

I bet he's going to start getting pubes next week. 

Is it too early for "the talk"?

I didn't think so.

Pube-saline

Jake's wedding dinner in 2003 doubled as a brainstorming session. My siblings, Jared and I all convened to form a master plan of how to decorate our Jerk-off  brother's car after his wedding reception.
I immediately thought of pubes. Anytime you want to make something memorable.... use pubes.

But pubes alone would blow off the car and leave the parking lot a black wiry mess. 

Enter VASELINE.

An inspired stroke of genius by yours truly.

A healthy mixture of equal parts pubes and vaseline would adhere beautifully to the car.

My two younger brothers executed my genius idea. They had a mutual photography session while harvesting said pubes.

During Jake's wedding reception they snuck out and smeared the concoction all over the windows and underneath the door handles. It was a masterpiece.

Jake and his new Bride skipped out to their car. Chivalry prevailed as Jake grabbed hold of his infected door handle for his wife.

I stood in the crowd laughing harder than I ever have in my life.

Jake eyed the goop suspiciously.
"It's PUBES!!!" my brothers yelled, clearly pleased with themselves.

Jake chased them down and cleaned his hand on their faces. amen.

The Puberty Game

At the Boys and Girls club, apart from being the best kindergarten and 1st grade after school program teacher, I am in charge of the SMART GIRLS program.

I was assigned this position specifically because I can say "penis" in front of large groups of kids. Really. The other candidates would only commit to saying "pee-pee".

SMART GIRLS is fundamentally centered around maturation, rape, abuse, drugs and how to choose good friends. Oh yeah, with a little bit of self-esteem thrown in for good measure. I have a teacher's lesson manual to provide guidance.

A few weeks ago the 4th and 5th grade girls and I embarked on Lesson #1: The Puberty Game.

First I had to hand out a printout that looked like this:

The girls had to name and draw arrows to the things that happen to your body during puberty. They got a point for each correct identification.

Then we had a discussion about it.... It went as you would expect:

Me: What happens during puberty?

Girls:
-pubes
-your chi chi's get bigger if youre lucky
-that thing where blood comes out of your thingy
-B.O.
-special feelings about boys
-you grow a mustache
-you have to talk about sex at the boys and girls club
-you might get a baby in your stomach

I explained that babies don't automatically get into your body, you have to try to put them there.
They asked where you got little babies and how to put them in.
I told them that you have to have sex.

Also, at the beginning of the class I told them that if they had any questions they didn't want to ask out loud, they could write them down and I would answer them at the end. The questions all looked like this:



I bluntly told them.

Then the entire class stared at me and pregnant stomach like I was the biggest slut ever.
amen.

My Hair

Thanks to prenatal vitamins I've been taking for a few years my hair is the longest it's been for a long time. After a disastrous haircut that looked like a mullet with thin wispy strands coming out everywhere, I vowed never to cut my hair short again. And when I do get my hair cut I specify that I don't want a hipster-emo mullet.

The only problem is that I find my hair everywhere.

• in the dryer's lint catcher
• on my pillow
• stuck in my broom
• on Jared's shirt
• my bathroom floor and counters
• weaved in my toothbrush
• one time in the Chinese food I made
• in Jared's face when were making out
• hiding in the nooks in my car

and the worst is when I find it after it gathers into:

• my butt-crack in the shower
  

Then I have to dig it out and stick it to the shower wall. Bleh.

But even worser than the worst is after our someone stays at our house and I find their private hairs in the shower and/or the toilet seat.

The men is Jared's family are especially hairy, except for Jared because he is perfect (and shaves). So when Jared's bro, Baby Brian, stayed with us a few weeks ago I had to keep an eye out for runaway pubes.Furry toilet after Baby Brian was done punishing it. :(

Thanks for spending time reading about such important issues. amen.

Public Bathroom Etiquette

The following should be common sense, but because our society has a few issues with that, I will spell it out.


1. NEVER use the stall directly next to an occupied stall if others are available.
Doing your business in public is creepy enough. Doing it with a stranger 2 feet away from you is worse.
2. Do not leave your pubic hair on the seat.
At least blow it on the floor...If you have so many that you are actually shedding, you should maybe look into buying some hair clippers.
3. Flush.
Nobody wants to see your poo (unless we have the same plumber.)
4. Do not permit your children to peek under stalls to see if they are empty.
This happened to me today. Good thing I had trimmed my pubes. But that said, I do not want to be your child's first anatomy lesson.

5. At least pretend to wash your hands.

amen.