Gross Things at the Grocery Store

Once I was looking for soup at the grocery store and saw this:

Campbell's Golden Mushroom Soup.

Have you ever heard of a Golden Mushroom?
It sounds dirty and sexual. Like something you do in college and should probably have a pre-arranged safe word planned with your partner.
A cloudy brown broth with chunks of soft mystery items is not what I want in my mouth.


I also saw this disturbingly named candy:

 

A Reester Bunny?

I feel really uncomfortable about this.



I saved the most disturbing thing for last.
EVERY TIME we are in the produce section, T-Bag insists on getting out the shopping cart and finding the most phallic looking vegetable. Then he hits himself on the head with it and says, "Bonk."

I don't know why he does this.
We don't do this at our house. I know I may seem like the type of mom that bonks myself in the head with vegetables, but I'm telling the truth. We really don't do this. 

Blame it on the Kids

I don't know what kind of time-machine trickery is going on in my life.

Baby Tyler is doing the exact same things Cryin Ryan did as a 2 year old.

You know that old saying - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?"

Yeah?
Well screw that. I will not accept that shame.
I am still going to blame my children.

It is not my fault that they don't know how to handle themselves around permanent markers. 

I can't be responsible for keeping sharpies out of their reach all of the time.

 I also can't be blamed for stupidly buying $18 Lancome lipstick while I have feral children in the house.
It's clearly their fault for not respecting how moisturizing, smooth, and what a great color this lipstick was.

And yes, after Ryan ruined an entire tube of it in 2011, I went and bought a couple more of the EXACT color, because it's my favorite, and Tyler ruined the same ones.

They need to learn the difference between my $1.50 Lip Smackers chap stick and my Sephora investments. I keep them right next to each other!!!

Why do kids always ruin the expensive stuff!?!?!?

I'm sick of this.
They need to grow up and be adults.


Look at them running around in their best white trash costumes - messy hair, diaper with pee in it, and an Eggo waffle.
I don't know why they think it's ok to act like that.






Fine. Maybe their behavior is a little bit my fault.

Like just a really tiny bit.

Dinosaur Sex

Like most little boys Ryan is obsessed with Dinosaurs.

So a while ago I found these pictures of Dinosaurs doing it  making sweet dino love.

I saved them on my computer for the next time I'm in a fight with someone and feel like being extra petty.
I will text these pics to their phone and will win the argument by default since the person I'm fighting with will automatically be humbled and wished they had thought of sending dino porn first.

So Ryan and I were looking at some of his baby pictures on my laptop and he saw one of the thumbnails of the dino porn. Of course he wanted to see them, and I forgot that I had them. I assumed they were just normal pictures of Dinosaurs.

I click on the folder.

Ryan tilts his head to the side and studies the 2 Dinos while I hurried to close the window.

Ryan got mad and was like, "Why can't I look at those Dinosaurs? They are just wrestling and giving massages."
I tried to play it cool and just agreed with him.

Yeah.... wrestling and massages......

BTW: Awesome artwork by Jose Antonio Penas