A Few Things I'm Mildly Upset About

I was an angry teenager.
Just look at this picture of me when I was 15:

I was probably thinking about killing small animals and how dark I should dye my hair next.
Even my freckles were angry.

As an adult, I'm more mature. I'm classier.
Now I try to avoid confrontation by flipping people off when they aren't looking or writing trash about them in my diary.

Dear Diary,
My brother Jake is an A-hole. He never invites me over for dinner.
He makes me soooo mad!!!!
Well, I have to go now, my mom made dinner and is calling me!
<3,
emily



I rarely have the urge to punch people in the crotch anymore.

Don't worry though. I still get plenty angry about some things. It's just that these days I'm a lot more chill. Mostly I get mildly upset.


Here are some things that I'm mildly upset about lately:

• People who do not respect your personal space.

When I am waiting in a line I always stand back to give the person in front of me space because that is what considerate human beings do.
I was waiting in line yesterday at Cafe Rio and some lady behind me stayed so close to me that she practically molested me. My butt was very offended by the constant touching and caressing.
If you are a close stander, you and I can never be friends.

• The current eyebrow trend.

I can't deal with this.
It's weird and it bugs me.
Why would you fade your eyebrows into your skin? I already have a huge space there and I don't need to accentuate it.

BTW, the reason I know I have a large gap between my brows is because years ago I was arguing with a dude and he got mad and pointed it out. Then I couldn't stop laughing and we became friends. 

• Sparkle Jeans.

I want to understand them but I just can't.

• My addiction to stupid Lipsense.

I'm such a lipstick whore and already have 7843 other tubes of lip stuff.
Why do I need a bunch of this brand? Because it's awesome and stays on all day. It makes me happy in ways I can't explain.

But still.
wtf.
No one needs this much lipstick.
Except me, apparently.

I even sell this stuff. I need to settle down. 

• That I bought a slip'n'slide for the chillun' and forgot to let them play on it and now summer is over and they are whining at me.

• People who sneeze extra loud on purpose.

It scares everyone around them. Shut up loud sneezers, you are acting like fools.
I'm looking at you, Grandpa.

• When public places don't have baby changing tables available.

Do you know how hard it is to change a poop diaper while your kid is standing up?
Well, it's really hard and really gross. And sometimes it gets on the floor.

And if any gets on the floor, I will not clean it up, because I am a horrible person, but also to teach that facility a lesson.

• Trump v. Clinton

These two are the nominees? This is what we have to choose between? Is this real life?
I need to go into the woods for a while and sort my feelings out.




Let's take a moment of silence for all the stuff that pisses us off a little bit.

I feel so much better. 

Why You Should Stop Folding Your Laundry

Folding laundry is for overachievers. So it's not for me.
I like to operate in the margins and do things a little different.....and I hate folding...... and I'm lazy. 


Sexy computer babe, Bill Gates, said it best:

I'm a clean freak so I wash my kids clothes, pajamas, blankets, and finger-less Micheal Jackson gloves every time they wear them. Even if they only wore it for a couple of hours.
Kids are gross.

I don't need dirty clothes fouling up my clean house.

And, I really don't like smelling boogers, dirt, and boy sweat.
I like when they smell like toxic chemicals like bleach, detergent, and fabric softener.

That's right. I routinely sniff my children.

I know this compulsion creates more laundry for me, but I am too messed up in the head to stop the washing madness.

Washing and drying the clothes is no big deal.
It's the folding that cramps my mom-ing style.


I hate folding laundry because:

• It's sooooo boring.

I don't have a long attention span for mindless monotony. Never mind, I just remembered I look at Facebook and Pinterest all the time.
What I meant was that I don't have a long attention span for boring stuff.

• I hate it.

I just stand at the counter for an hour and fold crap.

• It's annoying.

The laundry is never truly done. It's annoying because every time you think you are caught up, your 2 year old pisses out of his diaper in the middle of the night and now you have to do more laundry.

• It gets ruined by my kids. 

I make my spawns put their own laundry away because I want to teach them a lesson. And that lesson is - Mommy hates putting laundry away so you have to or I will destroy everything you love.

Inevitably, one the them drops and entire stack on the way and everything I worked so hard for is ruined.
Then those little punks scurry through their drawers like rats and unfold everything. I know my fellow mom's feel my pain on this one.

 

• It's stupid.

• I'm an adult and don't have to fold laundry if I don't want to. So there's that.

A few years ago I  realized that folding clothes is not necessary. You can still live a happy and fulfilled life if your undies are in wads and your shirts are shoved in a bin.

I still sort all the clothes so they are easy to find.
I'm non-nonchalant about folding but a little obsessive when it comes to organization.
Every clothing type has a designated space.

I bought a bunch of hooks to hang the kids nicer shirts and jackets on.
I got them at the Container Store and they are ridiculously useful. Hooks are so easy even T-Bag Tyler can hang up his shirts.

You know what else?
I refuse to iron anything except my hair.
Downy makes an enchanting product called wrinkle release and it actually works.
Spray that stuff on and you are good to go.
And it smells clean and fresh.

By the way, Husband does his own laundry, which is braggable.
He builds me furniture like a man and washes his own clothing like a woman. He also puts the toilet seat down.

He is so romantic.


These actions make up for the time when he bought me that apology dong.



If I was strong enough to stop folding, then so are you. (Unless you honestly enjoy folding, in that case you fold your little heart out. I respect your laundry decisions.)

It's time to make a stand against the establishment. Stick it to the Man and stop folding laundry. They can't control you anymore.
You can be lazy about laundry if you really put your mind to it.

YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Good luck comrade.

Shark Floor Steamer Is Just OK

Meh.
Whatever.
Nothing Special.
                      
-My thoughts on the Shark Steam Mop

My habitual cleaning addiction had me dreaming of a floor steamer FOR-EV-ERRR.
I would fantasize about sparkling clean floors and how I would roll around on them naked. (Then clean them again, obviously because of swass.)

While skipping around Walmart I spotted the Shark Steam Mop on sale for $40.

I was stoked that the cleaning gods bestowed this gift upon me. 
I smacked my lips and may have drooled a little bit. Don't Judge me.

Plus, look how happy the model looks holding the product in her manicured hand:

So I get it home, and after the kids go to bed I put it together.
It was really easy to assemble, but since I'm secretly a 12 year old boy I get distracted easily.

After I popped my zits, painted my toenails, ate some tootsie rolls and skittles from my candy cabinet, and pet the cat, I finally started steaming my floor.

One thing you should know if you are cleaning with a steamer for the first time:

You are a gross, disgusting excuse for a human. And I hope you're proud of yourself.

I thought I kept my floor extremely clean, but then I steamed it and realized my failures as a housewife and a female in general. 

Steamers will remove dirt you didn't even know existed.
This is just one more area of my life where I'm nasty. great.


As far as the Shark Steam Mop goes, it was just ok.

You have to go over the same spot 4-6 times before it's completely clean. And you have to go slow so the steam can work.
I bet I could get my floors just as clean if I used a normal mop and painstakingly went over everything 6 times.

And it's small so it took me an entire night and most of the next day to clean my floors.


I guess for $40 I can't complain that much. It got the job done.

But I wouldn't recommend it anyone unless I hated them and wanted them to spend a lot of time cleaning.