Thursday, June 24, 2010

No One Likes Knee Shorts

Today I was walking down a long sidewalk at Cal State University. As I passed by a 20-something black dude, he called me an "Ugly White B*tch".......... seriously.
I assume my knee length shorts really offended him.

Now I have been called the B-word plenty of times in my day, but never unprovoked. And though my knee length shorts are pretty ugly, they do not warrant that kind of language. Usually this would have caused me to bust out my most refreshingly witty insults, but as he was a big black dude and I am just an ugly white girl, I just agreed and kept walking.


I hate knee shorts just as much as the next black guy. But I hate people looking at my upper thighs even more. I especially hate when you sit down and your fat squeezes out to the sides and you know in your heart that everyone in the room is thinking about how fat your thighs look.
They are also an essential part of my Mormon girl wardrobe.

So whatever, angry black guy, I will wear knee shorts whenever I feel like it.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Touchdown Jesus

This majestic southwestern Ohio landmark was destroyed recently. Touchdown Jesus will no longer be greeting angry people driving along Interstate 75.
Having driven past it 3 times a week during my stay in Dayton, I am slightly disturbed by this information.



I'm pretty sure this was how it happened:

1. Behold approximately $300,000 was given to be spent upon a 64 stone tall likeness of Jesus. And a massive cross was laid beside to give the likeness an added contemporary flair.
2. And they named it Touchdown Jesus.
3. And the drivers were happy as they dwelt in their cars along Interstate 75, momentarily forgiving other drivers abominations as they looked upon Touchdown Jesus.
4. And it came to pass that God wasn't a huge fan of the monument and thought the Solid Rock Church was full of iniquity. Therefore a terrorist attack from heaven was planned. Lightning was sent from the heavens causing the statue to be engulfed in the fiery flames of wrath.
5. And there was great mourning among the Ohioan people. And there was weeping and wailing and sad posts on the peoples blogs.
6. And the church no longer spent their gold and other fine things on useless weird statues. And the Ohioan people were scared to sin. amen.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Open Letter of Apology

Dear Person(s) I have Mooned,

I know images of my white bum have littered many of your minds. Now I am older and more aware of the shattered dreams caused by my constant adolescent mooning.

To my entire childhood ward and neighborhood, I am sorry that I felt mooning was the funniest thing ever, even though it kind of is.
Every so often I am reminded by an old friend of my offensive behavior. I now realize that every emotion does not warrant a moon. I also understand that giant magnifying glasses are not an open invitation for mooning.


This girl, who goes by Larry or Jewel, was a major influence in my mooning career. Being the outcasts of the Copper Hills High soccer team, we felt that exposing our cheeks was the only was to gain the respect we deserved. Multiple double dares and her willingness to participate only fueled the madness. While driving to different schools to play soccer, the team would reserve the back seats for Larry/Jewel and myself. Her and I mooning out the back windows really got the team pumped up. I will not even mention the shenanigans of soccer camp. (But I will post of picture....naturally.)



Either way, I now know the error of my ways. I quit mooning cold turkey and have not mooned anyone for months.
I hope all of you that had to endure my calls for attention will forgive me.

That is all, emily

P.S. Melinda, sorry for mooning you at the bus stop that one time. amen.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Pizza Face

My face and I have been running into some serious issues in our relationship.

Having never broken out as a teenager, my skin now insists on producing zits with a vengeance. Normally birth control and topical creams keep my wrathful acne under control, but for some reason I cannot seem to get knocked up when taking the meds. Believe me. I've tried. A LOT.
I don't know what I did to make my face so angry at me. It could be those long nights I slept in my makeup, not consistently wearing SPF 15 or higher, or maybe it was those violent biore pore strips that rip the skin off along with the blackheads. I don't know. I just wish my face would make peace with me.

My most recent attempts includes a laser and a 4 foot tall Dermatologist Assistant. I don't know if this will wrestle my face into submission, but I am willing to give it an aggressive try.
My last treatment was yesterday before class which was a really great idea on my part. Stumbling into class 10 minutes late with a bright red face is not really what I want to be known for. (I would much rather be known for my refreshingly witty comments mid-lecture and my expertise in all things deviant......)


Though I love dealing with acne and the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles at the same time, I would really love it if my face didn't resemble a pepperoni pizza 1 week a month.

I will admit that I do love it when Jared adoringly calls me "pizza face".......but please pray that my face will stop being so inconsiderate. amen.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Bacon

Is delicious. It is also on sale at Albertson's right now. 2 for $6.

I never buy it because I want to eat it all by myself, but how am I supposed to refuse a 2 for $6 deal?



It is in the freezer right now taunting me at 5:45 am.
If you wake up 2-3 hours early thinking about bacon, something is probably wrong with you..... That only bacon can cure.

Why I like it:
  • Its the best thing ever

amen.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How To Earn a 4-year Degree in 7 Years


Wednesday, May 19, I participated in my fake graduation ceremony.
Fake because all they handed me was a blank sheet of paper inside a red leather folder.
Also fake because I still have 3 summer classes before I actually earn the degree.

Though a lie, my graduation was monumental nonetheless.
As I waltzed across the stage alongside the other 1200 graduates, I felt in my heart that I was about to change the world for the better. Nothing like a state university's mass graduation can fill your soul with determination and resolve take on human poverty and global warming. Listening to the same two announcers read names for over 3 hours will do that to you.
When you earn a degree in Sociology you just know you will be successful and make a huge impact on the world.

Graduating in 4 years is for wussies.

Have you ever wondered how you can push your graduation date back a few years?
Follow these steps to extend your 4 years at college into a more substantial chunk of time:

1. From a young age, tell your parents that you hate college and there is no way you are going. Do absolutely nothing to ensure your place at a reputable university. This will show your parents that your teenage angst is serious and not even messing around. When you realize that Assistant Manager at a mall is not you goal in life you hurry and to apply the the crappiest college you can think of.

2. Transfer to a bunch of different schools. Not only will you lose a ton of credits, you will lose money, time, and patience. I only transferred to 5 different schools, but with more ambition I am sure you could at least enroll at 9 adding 3-4 years onto your career as a professional student.

3. Move into your father-in-laws basement and quit school for a few semesters so you can travel to awesome places.

4. Transfer again.

5. Take a ton a of cool classes that have nothing to do with your major like, History of Rock and Roll, Beginning Pottery, Costume Design, Intro to Bee-keeping and Ballroom Dancing.

6. Fail math class 3 different times at 3 different schools.

7. Don't choose your major until you are a senior.


Follow this action plan and you too can be the proud owner of a $30,000 piece of paper.

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