Meat Candle

My parents took my awesome brother Jake to Ruths Chris Steakhouse.
Its a deliciously expensive way to eat cow flesh.

He ordered the Ribeye steak. It was love at first sight. It was so big and succulent he could not finish it.

He happily shuffled home with his new favorite thing ever. His leftovers.

The next day Jake called me and described each bite of his delicious meal. He sounded like he was describing a porno. "It was so juicy and soft as butter", "I didn't want to stop but I had to", "It was brown on the outside and a perfect pink in the middle with just a touch of red".......

Side note:

One thing you should know about Jake is that he is a survivalist. He likes nature and killing things in it. His garage is also a laboratory. Jake researches and develops new ways to survive on next to nothing.
He has recently been testing different natural materials for starting fire. It's all very scientific.

Back to the story:

Jake ate the rest of his beloved Ribeye. He was now left with the bloody meat juice at the bottom of the take out box.

Not wanting to waste good blood juice, Jake dipped a cotton ball in it. After the cotton ball was sopping Jake took refuge in his laboratory/garage.

He lit the cotton ball on fire.

He called me immediately.

Jake: Dude!!! I just thought of the best thing EVER!

Emily: What? Getting a job?

Jake: No...... I made a meat candle. I soaked up the extra meat water from my Ribeye with a cotton ball and I'm burning it right now!

Emily: Um..... Good Job?

Jake: It smells so delicious. I wish I could smell this the rest of my life. I wish you were in Utah so you could experience this with me. You don't understand how inspiring this smell is, I can die happy now, I bet this is what heaven smells like... etc.

He bragged about his meat candle for 45 minutes. That is all.


  1. Why after so many posts do I come away from your blog thinking "her poor parents...."

    But I agree with your brother, I wish you were in Utah right now.

  2. your blog is the funniest thing i have ever read! i wish i would have stumbled upon it sooner!!


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.