Pumpkin Penis

Look at how happy Ryan is about this skull:

Halloween is his obsession. He likes it more than Christmas.
That means we do all sorts of dumb stuff during October to make it fun for him.

My favorite sibling Jake even stopped by to show us his costume.

I took the kids to a Pumpkin Patch so they could make memories and have fun.... or because it was free.

There was no way I was paying $15 a person to get into the more popular pumpkin patches.
Especially when there was such amazing-ness to be had at this Riverton City one.

Who gets to sit on old tractors?! Oh wait, everyone ever. But the kids still liked it.

We were shopping for small pumpkins to paint (since we had already stole the ones we would carve). When out of nowhere I hear a squeaky voice yell,

"HEY MOM! LOOK AT MY PENIS PUMPKIN!!!"

I was laughing until I turned around and saw that the squeaky voice belonged to MY kid. He was also posing with one of the penis pumpkins.

Everyone at the conservative Mormon pumpkin patch heard. Since the damage was already done, I went ahead and took a picture, much to the horror of most other parents.


To be fair, they do look a little phallic.

We finished up our night in the corn kernel pit with Ryan getting golden showers from other kids..... and liking it. 

Rock Party

Ryan turns 4 years old at the end of April.

This is a HUGE deal because this will be the first time I might throw Ryan a REAL birthday party.

I am not a believer in throwing b-day parties for my babies or toddlers. My children are not well-behaved anyway, so billing them as the center of attention is not on my priority list.

But turning 4?!?!? Four is different.
I fully expect Cryin Ryan to morph into a well-behaved gentleman on his 4th birthday.
I don't think that's unreasonable.

4 year olds are angels, right?!


We have had several serious discussions regarding said birthday.
 He has thought a lot about this, and has Martha-Sterwartically come up with a theme:

A ROCK BIRTHDAY

Rock and Roll you ask??? Oh no. Something much more sophisticated.

Just ROCKS:

Ryan almost hyperventilated with excitement when my favorite brother Jake showed up at our house with a rock.

It was Gypsum so it was all sparkly and awesome when they broke it open. But still...... It did not warrant the sheer excitement Ryan exhibited towards it.


So far, Cryin' Ryan has had the following requests for his elegant Rock party:

1. "Maaaaammmm!! I want a decorate our house wif rocks from our outside!"
2. "Maaammm! You make me a cake wif rocks and my rock cake be grey?"
3. "MAMM! We have many rocks for my friends and we all have rock fight wif eachother?!?!?!?!

 My Sweet/Mature Ryan,

1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3.  and YES!!!!!

Nothing warms my heart more than a bunch of children throwing rocks at each other..... I just hope our homeowner's insurance policy feels the same way.


P.S. Ryan just told me after WEEKS of asking for a Rock Party, that now he wants a lame Ninja Turtle and Insect party.
This is especially annoying news since I had already made his rock balloon decorations:

What a waste.

 

Halloween 2014

 I figured since Thanksgiving was a few days ago it made sense to do a Halloween post.

 I started October off right, by drawing uni-brows on my babies:

Gross.

We went to a free pumpkin patch (because screw Cornbelly's and their $15 cover charge). Ryan rolled around in a pile of diseased corn kernels.

 

After he contracted hepatitis, I decided it would be a good idea to put my tiny baby in it too!!!

After, we picked small/cheap pumpkins and brought them home. Favorite sibling Jake came over and made fun of an angry Titty Monkey.

His kids Brooke and Laura helped carve our discount pumpkins.

Another day, I spent my time wisely by dressing Tyler up as Little Critter:

Later in the month we went to another free event in Herriman city. I love Utah and all the free family stuff.

You better believe Ryan played in the straw pit. But lucky for me, I think he gave his hepatitis away to some other kid.

 

My mom's family party was the perfect place for Ryan to show off his skeleton costume to his beloved cousin, Aiden.

No. Seriously, Ryan is obsessed with Aiden.

Lets also talk for a minute about why Ryan was a skeleton. Its because he already owned the pajamas and the face paint was only $4 with my 40% coupon at Michaels.

On Halloween night, my bro Matt and his wife Stephanie invited us over to go trick-or-treating with them. Ryan was ecstatic he got to spend more time with his idol, Aiden. Their house always has good food and better company. It makes me happy that we moved to Utah.

And yes, we were all skeletons, because I already had black clothes, masking tape, and my $4 face paint. Maybe one day I will stop being so cheap about halloween, but until then..... SKELETONS EVERY YEAR!!!!!!

 

Just Married! We Are Going to Sex!!!

More wedding fun!!!!

Scene: Daniel and Erika's wedding reception

My older brother, Jake, and I planned to carry out the tradition of decorating the newly married couple's car. My little brother, Matthew, had the same idea. So we combined forces.

Daniel intended to hide his car, but threats of glitter in the air conditioning vents forced him to leave his car and keys available.

Matthew brought a ton of balloons, glitter and a couple window markers.
Jake and I brought poster board, window crayons, industrial saran wrap, ribbon and our refreshing wit.

Some people came to help fill the car with balloons. Others came to help by egging us on and laughing at our antics.

WARNING: This is some pretty racy stuff for Provo, Utah.

On the drivers side window:

Someone almost ruined the entire masterpiece by writing "Marriage" really big on the windshield. Yep, just the word "Marriage". Genius..... and classy.

Luckily my window crayons erase easily.


Daniel knew Jake, Matthew, and I would be up to no good so before it got dark, he came and erased all the naughty parts. He was concerned that his new father-in-law would not approve.

We like Dan, so we didn't redecorate the parts he ruined.

It makes me feel better that their wedding photographer took plenty of dirty pictures.

Keep Calm and Gift On

This Christmas I was stuck in another conundrum..... What should I get my parents for Christmas?

Every year I have the same problem. Consequently, I end up having to make them something awesome.

2012 was no different.

I busted out some old chalkboards I stole from a box at work. (Lisa, if you tell anyone, I will kill you.)  

They were the nasty green color that they used for chalkboards in the 1970's. We all know anything from the 70's is dirty, so I painted them with black tempera paint.

My low I.Q. only permits me so much wittiness/creativity per year and I was running on empty.
So I ended up using this print as inspiration:

Such a novel idea, I know.

My mom's was easy. She loves to sew and quilt:

  "Keep Calm and Quilt On"

That is a long-arm quilting machine pictured behind her. If you know what that even is, I should probably make a sign for you too. 

My dad likes to chemically engineer stuff, hence his sign:

"Keep Calm and Chemical Engineer On" 

Doesn't that have a nice ring to it? I thought so. 

My favorite brother Jake's sign took the most energy. He only appreciates gifts that are lovingly crafted and personal. Jake is an avid survivalist, fisherman and all-around outdoors man.

"Keep Calm and Bait On"

If there is one hobby I know Jake likes, it's baiting. 

Told you. 

BTW, Notice in both of Jake's pictures, my little brother Daniel is giggling with glee at Jake's antics. 

Meat Candle

My parents took my awesome brother Jake to Ruths Chris Steakhouse.
Its a deliciously expensive way to eat cow flesh.

He ordered the Ribeye steak. It was love at first sight. It was so big and succulent he could not finish it.

He happily shuffled home with his new favorite thing ever. His leftovers.

The next day Jake called me and described each bite of his delicious meal. He sounded like he was describing a porno. "It was so juicy and soft as butter", "I didn't want to stop but I had to", "It was brown on the outside and a perfect pink in the middle with just a touch of red".......


Side note:

One thing you should know about Jake is that he is a survivalist. He likes nature and killing things in it. His garage is also a laboratory. Jake researches and develops new ways to survive on next to nothing.
He has recently been testing different natural materials for starting fire. It's all very scientific.

Back to the story:

Jake ate the rest of his beloved Ribeye. He was now left with the bloody meat juice at the bottom of the take out box.

Not wanting to waste good blood juice, Jake dipped a cotton ball in it. After the cotton ball was sopping Jake took refuge in his laboratory/garage.

He lit the cotton ball on fire.

He called me immediately.

Jake: Dude!!! I just thought of the best thing EVER!

Emily: What? Getting a job?

Jake: No...... I made a meat candle. I soaked up the extra meat water from my Ribeye with a cotton ball and I'm burning it right now!

Emily: Um..... Good Job?

Jake: It smells so delicious. I wish I could smell this the rest of my life. I wish you were in Utah so you could experience this with me. You don't understand how inspiring this smell is, I can die happy now, I bet this is what heaven smells like... etc.

He bragged about his meat candle for 45 minutes. That is all.

M is for Megaphone

I get it. We all get road rage.

But my favorite brother, Jake has recently come up with a solid plan to combat his rage.

Jake's Plan

1. Buy Megaphone
2. Keep Megaphone in car on passenger seat
3. When you feel angry/rage-full/sad/offended/bored pick up Megaphone
4. Roll down Window
5. Use best announcer voice to cuss other driver out. 

I'm not kidding one bit.

His favorite insults include:

• You Sir, are an A-hole! 
• Eff you! Really, Eff you.  
• Turning Left here is illegal Dumb-A!
• Hey troll! There's no stop sign!

The more offensive the other driver has been is in direct correlation with the amount of F-words, A-words and B-words used.

I have witnessed Jake preforming this magical feat, and let me just say, it is probably one of the funniest things ever.

I need to get my own megaphone. amen.

Auntie Pee Pee and Uncle Poo Poo

My favorite Brother Jake has a cute little girl.

Since she was a baby, Jake taught her to call me Auntie Pee Pee and referred to Jared as Uncle Poo Poo.

As Auntie Pee Pee, I have taken my responsibilities very seriously.


I taught her what a cow says - mooooooo
What a frog says - ribbit ribbit
What a kitty says - meow
And what a wiener says - psssssssss

She's a smart little gremlin.

She doesn't like to say Ryan so she calls my baby a variety of inappropriate names.

Most often she calls him "Rhiney"
And when she feels like spicing things up a bit, she busts out "Rhiner", a magnificent mixture of Ryan and wiener.

That's all, amen.

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation Starters

You know how people who have fancy dinner parties sometimes pass out conversation starters? Well I decided to make my family dinner more interesting with some homemade convo starters of my own. Take that Martha Stewart.

I pulled out some of my mom's fanciest paper and most expensive pen and got to work. Feel free to use my ideas to spice up your own Thanksgiving.

Here are a few of my most brilliant:

• How many run-ins with the law will my brother Jake have in 2012? (You can substitute Jake for a member of your family who is frequently arrested.)

• Which person in the room would you most like to fight and why?

• Would you rather pee your pants at church once a month or be called "Splatter Pants" for the rest of your life?

• What are your 10 most favorite things about Emily?

• If you had to change someones pants in the room, who would it be? (This question is especially relevant considering there is more than one person with incontinence problems who will be attending tomorrow.)

• What was your favorite part about puberty?

• Why are you better than everyone else in the room?

I have a feeling Thanksgiving will be an eventful holiday.

Pube-saline

Jake's wedding dinner in 2003 doubled as a brainstorming session. My siblings, Jared and I all convened to form a master plan of how to decorate our Jerk-off  brother's car after his wedding reception.
I immediately thought of pubes. Anytime you want to make something memorable.... use pubes.

But pubes alone would blow off the car and leave the parking lot a black wiry mess. 

Enter VASELINE.

An inspired stroke of genius by yours truly.

A healthy mixture of equal parts pubes and vaseline would adhere beautifully to the car.

My two younger brothers executed my genius idea. They had a mutual photography session while harvesting said pubes.

During Jake's wedding reception they snuck out and smeared the concoction all over the windows and underneath the door handles. It was a masterpiece.

Jake and his new Bride skipped out to their car. Chivalry prevailed as Jake grabbed hold of his infected door handle for his wife.

I stood in the crowd laughing harder than I ever have in my life.

Jake eyed the goop suspiciously.
"It's PUBES!!!" my brothers yelled, clearly pleased with themselves.

Jake chased them down and cleaned his hand on their faces. amen.

Meet Shakey Jake

• He is my older brother. He loves to violate societies norms. (For photographic evidence see previous post.)

• Before getting his picture taken for a LDS mission application, I dared him to let me do his hair. He agreed. Behold:

• He was once fooling around with his wife while driving and then ran over a homeless man. To smooth things over Jake bought the maimed Hobo a six pack of natty light and new gas station sun glasses.

• He has buttloads of class.

• He once made a guy so mad that the guy punched him in the face. Jake was so stoked that the guy ended up paying for new glasses. He modeled them for me.

• When he sees people singing in their cars he honks to get their attention then claps for their performance.

• He is taking flight lessons and mistakenly believes I will ride with him. Not even his wife will ride with him.

• He thinks his continual farting is impressive.

• When we were young, my parents would leave us to babysit our partially handicapped little brothers and sisters. Every time he would beat me up. Every time. If he was feeling extra generous, he would beat everyone else up too.

• He has a beard. On his face.

• Every time I ask about his new baby he says she is "cute as sh*t". Just like I told you... buttloads of class. amen.

Recipe for Awesome

1 brother's wedding to Stephanie in May 2007.
1 sparkly pink gown from Salvation Army.
2 patent leather stilettos circa 1985.
187 pounds of unapologetic Jake.

Mix together then add the coup de grace of all dares. triple-dog. No battles.


Slowly add 2 disapproving stares from Matthew and his new wife, then simmer.


Complete with an extra-sassy bridesmaid with a NRA membership, and sprinkles.

Garnish with beautiful spring flowers.