Pube-saline

Jake's wedding dinner in 2003 doubled as a brainstorming session. My siblings, Jared and I all convened to form a master plan of how to decorate our Jerk-off  brother's car after his wedding reception.
I immediately thought of pubes. Anytime you want to make something memorable.... use pubes.

But pubes alone would blow off the car and leave the parking lot a black wiry mess. 

Enter VASELINE.

An inspired stroke of genius by yours truly.

A healthy mixture of equal parts pubes and vaseline would adhere beautifully to the car.

My two younger brothers executed my genius idea. They had a mutual photography session while harvesting said pubes.

During Jake's wedding reception they snuck out and smeared the concoction all over the windows and underneath the door handles. It was a masterpiece.

Jake and his new Bride skipped out to their car. Chivalry prevailed as Jake grabbed hold of his infected door handle for his wife.

I stood in the crowd laughing harder than I ever have in my life.

Jake eyed the goop suspiciously.
"It's PUBES!!!" my brothers yelled, clearly pleased with themselves.

Jake chased them down and cleaned his hand on their faces. amen.

72 hours

As a Mormon I am genetically wired to to do specific things. The very DNA that runs through my veins compels me to act a certain way.

Lately I have this innate need to gather material goods and put them in a backpack.

Behold the 72 hour kit:

These bad boys are supposed to save people in the event of an emergency. The idea is jam as much crap as can possible fit into a portable bag. Then when a tsunami or earthquake strikes, you can calmly put on your 72-hour backpack and strut into the community meeting place with all your emergency essentials.

I can already imagine it.

Everyone will give me the evil eye as I smugly change into clean underwear and munch on my 2000-calorie granola and freeze-dried berries. Envious onlookers will cringe as I drop water-purifying tablets into my stainless steel bottles.

I will blow my emergency whistle with pride before I fire up my hand-crank radio. I will stand as a beacon providing everyone within a 100 foot radius with light from my lantern that lasts continuously for 144 hours.

Then I will apply lipgloss so I'm ready for the rescue parties to arrive.

It will be awesome.

Moral of the story:

In the event of an emergency - find some Mormons.

The Evils of Baby Formula

So a few weeks ago Breastfeeding took an unexpected turn. My boobs started running out of milk.

To be honest, I wasn't that stoked about breastfeeding to begin with. I don't like sitting still for more than 10 minutes at a time, and breastfeeding requires you do this for around 6-8 hours each day. Bleh.

I ended up having to supplement with formula. Then I realized that I actually kind of like breastfeeding. My little baby depends on me. I'm giving him the healthiest option available to him right now and I get to cuddle with Pee-baby 6-8 hours a day. Plus he plays with my hair the whole time........ (sigh.........).

Jared was frieking out when he found out I had given Ryan a bottle of formula. He thought Ryan was going to start having convulsions and grow up harboring severe neglect issues. 

Jared's jaw dropped and his eyes grew wide when I told him this was not the first bottle I had to supplement with.

 "You just need to make more milk..... just concentrate."

So I closed my eyes.

I concentrated really hard.

I sqeezed.

But no milk came out.

I went to the store and bought some Brewer's yeast and Fenugreek. Both of these supplements are known to increase milk supply and both are nastier than Ryan's peanut butter poop.

Do you people have any other tips to increase Breastmilk? And by "you people", I mean Heather Johnson.... because I know you've been breastfeeding for years.

I really hope this had nothing to do with the Pumice Stone.