Getting to Know You

It is not good for me to be bored. I get into massive amounts of trouble when I feel like I dont have anything better to do. A few days ago I found myself staring at the wall with crusty drool dripping from my mouth. 
I was so bored that I even considered calling a friend and being social...

I figured that before I get arrested again, I need to find something productive to do.... fast. 

Instead of being productive, I got addicted to the worst drug ever, Pinterest.

I made my own version of one of the pins I saw, "Date night in an envelope".
You prepare a bunch of envelopes with pre-planned date nights. On date night you pick one.

I entitled this dating masterpiece:

Getting to Know You

Date Instructions:

1. Shower

2. Dress up in Sexiest Lingerie

3. Play enclosed games

Game 1: Know Eachother

 

This includes about 50-60 questions intended to dig deep into your partners soul.
Questions include:

• What was your favorite part of puberty?
• What smell makes you want to gag? 
• If you could get a free boob job or a free testicle job, would you?
• What are you most afraid of?
• What is the best thing about your partner?
• When is the last time you cried like a little wuss?
• What makes you feel pretty?
• When you commit a crime and have to move out of the country, where are you going to move?

Game 2: Would You Rather

 

Includes a healthy stack of uncomfortable questions like:

• Would you rather make out with Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson?
• Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or talk like him for the rest of your life?
• Would you rather smell like a fart all the time for the rest of your life or drink a diarrhea milkshake?
• Would you rather have balls hang from your chin or have a five inch tail that wags every time you get excited?
• Would you rather be a hipster or die?
• Would you rather eat curry flavored poop or poop flavored curry?

Game 3: Dirty Jenga 

To play, click here. 

This is going to be an interesting date night. 
amen.

Zzyzx Road

Fine. I'll admit it. Even though in my previous post I claimed that I HATE poop.... It is actually one of my favorite topics. I hate tangible feces but I talk about it 50 times a day. 

Hence the following story.

On my way to Vegas at the end of August, we drove past the notorious Zzyzx Road.

Jared was so kind to remind me of my past relationship with this notorious landmark.
Zzyzx Road is passed by everyone driving  from Southern California through Las Vegas.  

When I was  5-6 months pregnant we went on a family trip to Vegas.
My uterus and bowels were at war my entire 40 weeks of being knocked up. I was either terribly constipated or pooping/peeing every 5 minutes.
Lucky for me, I was on a diarrhea binge during our 4 hour drive home.

Lets just get to the point. 

I totally took a pee/poo right off Zzyzx Road. 

There are no rest stops for miles. I had no other choice. So I popped a squat in my elastic banded pregnancy jeans and took care of business. 

There are only like 25-30 times in my entire life that I have been more ashamed of myself.





Now Jear-Bear lovingly reminds me what a foul human being I am every time we drive past this poop-littered landmark.

Man, I hated being pregnant. 
Amen. 

I hate poop

Before I had baby Ryan, I was was nervous. 

Late nights? No prob. 
Labor and delivery? I'll deal with it. 
Breastfeeding every 2 hours? Ok.
Extra laundry? Alright.
Extra housework? acceptable. 

Wiping Butt for the next few years? Definitely NOT OK.

I hate butts and I HATE poop. 
I even hate my own poop. I use a healthy 20-30 layers of toilet paper every time I wipe my own. 

Everyone said:

"It will be fine!"
"Your babies poop is not a big deal!"
"It's different when it's your own baby!"

 
Um.... Nope. It's still poop.
And when you change a diaper and it's still warm, it's just as sickening. 
And the older your kid gets, the more foul it becomes. 

The worst is when you catch your baby squatting and grunting in the corner. They always look you straight in the eyes when they are pinching a loaf. It's creepy.

I pretend not to be able to smell if Ryan took a dump in his pants when Jared is around. Then when Jear-bear notices, he has to change it.

I also try not to feed Pee-Toddler too much fresh fruit. Then he doesn't mess his pants as much. 

The smell is so disturbing, I can now hold my breath for over 1min and 15 seconds. 

Does anyone know if you can potty train your baby at 17 months?