Chucky Scratched Tyler's Balls

My 2 year old, T-Bag Tyler, is not a friend to all animals. 

He loves dogs and cats more than anything, but cannot express his love through conventional ways.

(I never claimed to be a good parent.)

One of his favorite hobbies is harassing our little cat, Chucky.

Tail-pulling, picking up by the neck, and laying on top of the cat are among T-Bags favorite moves. 

One time, he put the cat in the garbage can. 

There is a high correlation between treating animals badly during childhood and becoming a serial killer as an adult. 

I don't want to think about that though. 

**Deep Breath**

Tyler is my son and I love him. 

**Exhale**

Our cat is so nice, patient, and docile.

He has never retaliated no matter the amount of abuse he receives. It's very weird. 

I sometimes wish Chucky would hurt Tyler back so Tyler would learn his lesson. 

In early December, Tyler learned a lesson. 

Chucky likes to sit on the edge of the bathtub while the boys take a bath. 

By the way, the green bathwater is from a bath bomb and not because my kids are that dirty.... even though they are that dirty.

T-bag decided to pull the cat into the water. 

The cat freaked out and clawed his way out of the tub, unintentionally scratching Tyler on the way. 

Tyler screamed. His legs were bleeding. 

I was like, WTF is happening in my life. 

Tyler kept crying about his balls, so after I calmed him down I checked out his wounds and HOLY FREAKING CRAP.

There was a slice in the middle of his bean bag. 

I must have stared at it, horrified, for a solid 5 minutes. 

No parenting classes or books ever prepped me for when my kids nuts get mangled. 

A piece of ball-sack skin was dangling off him like tissue paper in the wind. 

Seriously. What do you do?

Bandaid? No. 

Stiches? Double no.

Super Glue? Possibly. 

I ended up putting a ton of antibiotic ointment on it and slapped on his diaper. 

He walked like a cowboy the rest of the night.

His ball sack turned purple with bruising the next day and stayed like that for over a week.

Tyler insisted on wearing an ace bandage over his diaper for a few days. 

I didn't blame him. 

I would want some extra protection around my sliced balls too.

T-bag wouldn't let me take a picture of him in his ace bandage diaper so I had to lie and say I needed a picture of the nutcracker and snowflakes for Christmas.

I didn't realize, until just now, how mean it was to make him pose with a nutcracker while his own nuts were on the mend.

Oh yeah, If you are reading this just to find out how to make huge snowflakes, I apologize if you had to read about my kid's testicles.

It's super easy and the kids loved helping me make them.
All you do is use huge pieces of butcher paper and cut out a snowflake like you normally would. Duh.

Easy and the results are pretty fancy.

Oh yeah. A little over a month until Baby Girl is born. I can't decide if I'm more excited to hold a newborn or just not be pregnant anymore!!!!
I love newborns but I really love not being pregnant.

Our White Trash Thanksgiving

March seems like a great month to start blogging again. I'm 8 months pregnant with kid #3 and I only puke 2-3 times a day, so things are really coming together for me.

Please excuse my out-of-order and extremely late blog topics for the next little while.


We had plans to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house with a few of my siblings and their families.
After living out of Utah for 10 years, having family around for the holidays is great. Mostly because they make me food.

Then I found out my morally questionable sister Rachel was bringing a few of her "friends".
Though I adore Rachel, she does not have the best taste in friends as they are always trashy and ethically challenged.

One of her last friends stole my Microsoft Surface Tablet from my house and tried to pawn it. It was awesome. I never got it back. I really need to take the time to write an entire post dedicated to that douche bag because the whole story is unbelievable (if you are a normal law-abiding citizen).

Either way, Rachel picks bad people to befriend and then brings them around our family. I really don't need myself, my kids, or my wallet anywhere near people like that.

I decided to kindly ditch out of my parents dinner invite. So did 2 of my brothers for the same reason.
It wasn't that big of a deal though. My parents understand, they locked up their wallets too.

I knew that with my natural class and hostessing skills I could have my own Thanksgiving dinner and it would be enchanting.

Ryan was really excited about the idea of cooking an entire turkey carcass, so I was basically obligated to buy an entire turkey for 2 adults and 2 small children.

Ryan was in heaven. He insisted on sitting by it in the cart.

And look what my little angel made at school:

Ryan also made a culturally appropriated headband and dubbed himself Chief Turkey Pants:

I'm glad he has a teacher who allows him to express himself.


On Thanksgiving day we went and saw a movie with my side of the family. I thought I would be all motherly and make the devil children and their cousins a pinterest-y treat.

Popcorn in a paper bag made to look like a turkey leg. Precious.

And it was especially precious since the butter leaked through and made it look authentically greasy.
The kids loved it.

We got home and started cooking.
Ryan and I made rolls.

Tyler dressed up like a rapist.

Husband cooked everything else. Don't be jealous my husband cooks :)

Ryan set the table super fancy:

He used our fancy black paper plates and was really proud of himself for it. 
He only set 3 place settings, because he said I don't need to eat since I throw up everything anyway and that we shouldn't waste good food like that.



Despite the white trashiness of our celebration the boys were happy and that's all I care about anyway.

A few days later when the kids broke the wishbone, Ryan won and wished all the adults in the world had to wear diapers and poop and pee themselves every day. cute.



By the way, have you ever seen a turkey neck? Because I never have, and when Jared pulled it out of the body I thought our turkey had come with a free sex toy... which I wasn't mad about. 

I hope you all had a Thanksgiving as magical as mine was.

I'm Grosser Than Normal and It's Because I'm Knocked Up

I haven't blogged in a couple of months because I am a huge disgusting mess.

Disclaimer:
Let me just start off by saying how grateful I am that I get to have another baby. I know a lot of people who can't get pregnant or have to pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments.

I know it's horribly dumb to be complaining about being pregnant.
But I just feel like the readers of this blog have an exceptionally good sense of humor and forgive me of my pettiness.
Despite my rants, I know I'm lucky and am super grateful for the relentless hell that is pregnancy.


K.
Let's talk some pregnancy trash.


Usually it takes Jared and I a while to get pregnant, so I was surprised that after banging for a month, I was already knocked up.

I thought I had a solid 6 months - 1 year of non-pregnant bliss.

I don't understand the women who love being pregnant.
And I especially hate the girls who look extra glow-y and beautiful for those 9 months.

I am a nasty troll when I'm with child.
My whole body becomes a petri dish of disgusting-ness.

• I vomit like it's my job. 

I lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks from throwing up so much. The first 3 months I lost 14 pounds. I looked like a dying sallow-skinned sea turtle.
I carry around Ziploc bags so I can puke on the go.

• My adult acne gets offended by all the extra hormones and brings it's wrath upon my face.

I have always broken out worse during pregnancy, but this time it's amazingly worse. I look like I have Syphilis and I am not amused. I already feel gross from throwing up all the time, I don't need extra zits right now.  

• Pretty much every time I puke, I also pee my pants a little bit.

It's so classy and I love doing the extra laundry.
Some days when I throw up more than usual, I don't even change my pants inbetween pees. I just let it ride because I know I'll be peeing in them again in the next 30 min.

You are probably thinking how I am one of the grossest girls ever, and you would be right. 

• I am nasty in public.

I was at the post office right before Christmas. There was a long line of about 25 people. I was halfway through the line, when I had to whip out my Ziploc bag and puke into it. I wasn't about to lose my place in line so I just vomited/peed in front of everyone, zipped up the throw up, and stayed in line like nothing happened.


I also have to confess that my kids have watched more TV in the last couple of months than they have watched their entire lives, and I don't even care.
I've got more important things to worry about, like doing kegal exercises in a vain attempt to stop peeing my pants.

Oh yeah, I'm due May 3, 2017 it's a girl.
And I know she is going to be the worst thing ever and a total ho, because Karma.