Decorating with Poo

My baby is disgusting. All he does is fart, poo, pee, spit up and suck on my boobs. Ryan is so fowl that from now on he will only be referred to as "baby".

Today he spit up all over my tits. My boobs were not happy to have their milk rudely given back.

One early morning at 2 a.m. I was woken up by Baby. I fed him and then politely set him on the changing table to get down to business. Baby was farting and pooping the whole time I was feeding him so I was not excited to discover what awaited me in his diaper.

I slowly peeled back the Velcro fasteners and opened one eye to assess the damage.

There lay a small round puddle of baby turd.

I began wiping up only to notice baby's face turning bright red. Squeezing his eyes in extreme concentration he let out a labored grunt. The next thing I knew, everything in a 3 foot radius was splattered with grainy baby poop.


I yelled out to Jared, HELP! HELP!

He woke up and hurried to my aid. He diapered Baby up and changed his poo/pee drenched clothing.

I surveyed the explosion.

I had no idea that baby was actually an elite pastry chef in his former life.
Dollops of feces frosting coated the changing table and bed. He had embellished the bed spread with intricate rosebuds every few inches. The array of squirt lines were crisp and professional. He was a master decorator with the piping bag, only instead of the piping bag he used his butt.

amen.

Bumpin Uglies

What I'm about to expose you to may change your life, and not necessarily for the better.

If there is one thing I'm amazing at (outside the bedroom) it's drawing nasty, nasty pictures.

My nerdy brother, Matthew, or as I like to call him, Beaster, is a computer programmer. He is pretty ugly so it's a good thing he's smart. Beaster and I have been working on this app for months. He has been programming while I've been busy thinking up filthy things and drawing them. Some of the characters are so fowl I can smell them.

Who would have guessed that my seemingly useless talent would land me a position as Creative Director for one of the most messed up iphone applications to date? Finally I can cross getting paid to draw dirty pictures off my life's to do list.


Enter BUMPIN UGLIES. This is the website.
Check out the preview and download it here.
You get to customize your own uglies then trade them with your friends and/or enemies.

Let's all take a moment of silence to contemplate the beauty of my artwork...........

This is an open invitation to bump my ugly so you better download it if you have an ipod, iphone or ipad. If you don't I will take it as a personal insult that you refuse to bump uglies with me and repercussions are sure to follow. I will send you hate email.

PLUS if enough people download it the investors will buy me an iphone. I am desperately uncool and would be so much more popular/pretty/cool at church if I had one.

Join our facebook page too.
Also, check out this lame video about it on youtube.

Let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions that would make the game better.

Hot or Not.com: A Love Story

I have a confession.

Jared and I met on the internet.

It's true. While most of our close friends and family are now privy to this information, it was kept under wraps for a few years after we met.
Back in 2004, meeting people on the internet was considered taboo (at least within my social circle) and strictly reserved for 14 year old girls and pedophiles.
So, we kept our relationship's origins a secret. We were so embarrassed that we didn't even tell my parents.
Only Jared's roommates and 2 of my closest friends knew. And my 2 friends were also my bridesmaids and threatened to expose us during their toasts at my reception. Instead they gave a witty toast alluding to it without giving us away.

Without further explanation -
Hot or Not.com: A Love Story

Once upon a time my brother Jake and I decided to play Hotornot.com. After making fun of people and rating their pictures for an undisclosed amount of time, I decided to create my own account....

We took a picture of me in my pajamas when I just woke up after a pretty rough night. It looked like this:

After a week the verdict was in. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the hottest, the hot or not community thought I was a 9.4. oh yes, you read that right. 9.4.
Another element of hot or not includes a profile where you can write about yourself and email other people. My profile read something like this:

I am failing math 1010 for the second time at the University of Utah. I enjoy humming Mormon children's songs, snowboarding better than you and playing naked twister. Please contact me if you will tutor me in Math for free. I work at a blood lab and don't have much money because I just bought a snowboard pass. P.S. I have a bad attitude.

Before long I was offered free tutoring from a dude with a handsome profile pic. of him in a speedo, cowboy hat and leather vest. sexy.

Jared offered free math tutoring.... but we we ended up just making out in the hot tub. I failed math that semester.

What began as an embarrassing internet love match soon blossomed into weekly make-out sessions, which then turned into engagement and then marriage and lobster underpants on our wedding night. Precious!

Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. amen.

This picture of Jared has nothing to do with this post, he is just being manly and carrying a tree.