Monday, October 26, 2015

Polygamist Chic



I've got 99 problems, but a Halloween costume ain't one.

I found this Polygamist style dress in my mom's costume closet last year.




I have been spiritually bonded with it ever since.

I knew the universe had put this dress in my path for a reason, and that reason was for me to wear it on Halloween.

But last year as Halloween approached, my mom totally betrayed me (and the dress) by lending it out to someone else.
In Utah, Polygamist dresses like this are in high demand.
My 2014 Halloween was ruined and I had to be a crappy skeleton.

I wasn't about to lose the dress again, so I stole it, hid it in the back of my closet, rubbed my face against it everyday, and patiently waited for an entire year to wear it again.

My parent's costume party was last weekend, and I knew my special moment had arrived.

When it come to anything inappropriate or offensive, I like to think of myself as an overachiever.
I knew the most important part of a Sister-Wife costume was the hair, so I was going to do it the best I could.

While searching for ideas I came across one of the most magical YouTube videos I have ever had the pleasure of viewing:



Did you notice the uplifting music in the background?!? Probably not, since you were too busy taking notes.

I also got a few more style tips from this life changing blog:

Polygamy Chic

By the time I was all dressed and ready to go I couldn't even look in the mirror. I was a little ashamed/giddy that I looked so authentic. I probably have Sister-Wife blood running through my veins.





You know how some girls dress up as a slutty version of whatever they are for Halloween, like a slutty cop, a slutty witch, a slutty Disney princess, or a slutty mom?

Well, I thought about modifying the costume to be the slutty version of a Sister-Wife but I was already showing my ankles and Jared could barely keep his hands off of me as it was:




Look at my shoes and nervous face.

This picture maybe took it a little to far.




I could not even handle myself by the end of night.

When I tried to have serious conversations I knew there was nothing I could say that would distract people from the fact that I had on a fancy lace bib/collar.

It was especially awesome that Jared and I were the only adults really dressed up. 




BTW, does anyone know where I can meet hot young polygamist singles (or married, whatever...) in my area?



Note: While I have deep respect for religious freedom and individual's agency, I reserve the right to make fun of clothing and awesome hairstyles as I see fit.




Saturday, October 24, 2015

Eating Adventures With T-bag


While Ryan is a horrible child eater, Baby Tyler, who is also horrible, is very open to trying new things.

I wouldn't normally post about something so lame as my child's eating habits, wait.... I post about lame crap all the time so never mind.

Tyler is foul.
He eats everything that humans shouldn't.
I am seriously surprised I haven't had to call 911.

I catch him eating the weirdest things:

  • Candles


  
  • Roly-polys, beetles, and other appetizing insects
  • Carpet cleaner
  • Sucking and drinking the juice out of Lysol cleaning wipes and baby wipes
  • Old onion skins from the back of the pantry
  • Soap
 

  • Dust bunnies
  • Mascara
  • Markers he especially enjoys Crayola brand because I only give my boys the best





  • Diaper cream
  • Victoria's Secret lotion in Love Spell and Strawberries and Champagne
  • Air freshener spray
  • Laundry detergent
  • Shoes
  • Shaving Cream



What's super surprising is that my kids don't eat their boogers.

I know your thinking...... why don't you just lock all this stuff up so Tyler can't access it?
And the answer is: you and your logic can shut up.

Plus, I think I read somewhere that markers and laundry detergent are an excellent source of protein which he needs for his daily workouts.





How can someone be so gross and so cute at the same time?

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Free Stuff


I freaking LOVE free stuff.

I will go out of my way, waste time, waste money, and waste relationships if it means I can get something for "free."

I know nothing is ever absolutely free, but I love the moment of feeling like I won at life for once.

"Screw you unfair world! I just got some food samples at my local Costco, AND IT WAS FREE."

Last week Husband, spawns, and I went to a Herriman City Halloween event. Our city always has these holiday parties and they are always free, so you know my white trash family is going to be there.

I made sure to forget Tyler's shoes to increase our white-trashery.




Last year's 2014 celebration was packed with Herriman-ites.

I hate people. I hate dealing with crowds. I hate you. But the kids loved it and there was no cover charge so would be an unpardonable sin to not go.

The event pavilion is a 5 min walk or a 3 min skip from our house. We skipped over and was happy to find hardly anyone there.
I took Ryan around to play some carnival type games and noticed that each station had a huge plastic cauldron full of candy. There was no way they were going to use it all.


I shamelessly/skillfully made friends with the volunteers at every spot then I would ask super nicely if we could have some extra candy since there weren't that many people.





When they granted permission, Ryan and I would attack and grab huge handfuls of everything. We took SO MUCH. We filled up Ryan's trick or treat bag pretty quickly and then started on filling up my backpack since we have to morals or social grace.




Husband was pretty embarrassed so he stood on the other side of the park pretending not to know me.

The party was ending and workers started cleaning up. I noticed a ton of pumpkins decorating the stage and immediately saw an opportunity to score more free crap I don't need..

We asked if we could take one home. They said yes so easily that I quickly grabbed 4 huge pumpkins and a bunch of those little squash things and filled my stroller up with them. Nobody intervened so I guess they were OK with it. Even if they weren't OK with it, I can and will run surprisingly fast with a stroller.

I left feeling pretty satisfied with myself.
I was bragging about my plunder at my parent's house when my brother Matt walks in with a laundry basket overflowing with T-shirts.
He went to some computer programming convention and stuck it to the man by acquiring around 90 shirts........... FOR FREE.




I thought I was so hardcore for hustling 12 pounds of candy and a bunch of pumpkins, but now I feel inferior and like I need to get my priorities straight.

All that candy doesn't taste as sweet. Now it tastes like disappointment and jealousy.

90 T-shirts is impressive. He even shared with everyone while I was like, "Yeah family, I was totally going to share too and not just brag about how much I have, I just forgot to bring it  and was definitely not keeping it for myself...... I promise you guys."



I should clarify that there are a few free things I don't appreciate:

  • STD's
  •  Adult Acne
  • Surprise kisses from my kids when they have snot all over their faces
  • Massive amounts of junk mail from a lady named Jo Scott, who bought our Ohio house in 2007.
When we requested through the US Post Office that our mail be sent to California we discovered we had sold our house to a hoarder/free catalog lover. We receive about 35 different catalogs each week.

Since Jo Scott is so similar to Jared Scott we are blessed with an abundance of every catalog ever made in the free world and I hate her for it.






This is a typical day's amount:





What a ho.




Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Primary Program Ruining


Mormon church Primary Programs.

Where all the kids 12 years old and younger go on the stage by the pulpit and serenade the adults for the entire Sacrament meeting.
It is MAGICAL.

For this year's program, all of the kids had speaking parts and since my Sunbeam (our Mormon name for this age group)  class of 3-4 year olds can't read, I was lucky enough to have to stand up there and help all 8 kids. It's also customary for Primary teachers to sit on the stand with their class throughout the program.

My class is the youngest. I got lucky again and had to sit in the very front row in a small kiddie chair. I'm a huge adult compared to all the scrawny children. I stuck out and everyone felt bad for me. I could see the pity in the congregations faces as I looked over the crowd.




Ryan has become a primary song enthusiast since he became a Sunbeam. We have singing time every Sunday and Ryan LOVES the chorister, Sister Bigler. (BTW Mormons call each other Brother and Sister it's weird, I know, but so is Sunbeams because those freaking kids are not beams from our Sun, they are beams from the darkest depth of hyperactivity.)




Ryan yells the songs every week hoping he will get called on to be Sis. Bigler's special helper. If he doesn't know the words he just yells louder to make up for it. It's very distracting which is why I let him do it. Church can be boring and I welcome distractions.

Back to the Primary Program. Ryan decided to sing super good (or super bad depending on how you look at it) in front of everyone in hopes Sis. Bigler would see how awesome he was and maybe she would give him a cookie.





Ryan randomly yelled songs the entire time. The little girl next to him kept covering her ears and looking at Ryan with disgust.
I had to be sneaky and record him while hiding my phone from the audience so I wouldn't get judged for ruining this spiritual moment.

The audience was laughing non-stop. I always loved the kids that misbehaved and ruined the program. I don't love it so much now because it's MY kid. Well played God. Well played.






Friday, October 2, 2015

Hunting with Rocks


Ryan is no longer a terrible three-nager so Husband actually likes to hang out with him again.

Jared took Ryan camping for some serious father-son bonding. We want Ryan to be a "MAN" so camping is fundamental step.
I also bought him Man-boots that are hardcore and perfect for outdoor stuff.
When I gave them to him he squealed like a girl, immediately put them on, looked at himself in the mirror, then skipped around the house while giggling. It was all very manly.

They left and I got to stay home and relax.

Just kidding. 1 1/2 year old Tyler was with me so I spent my night chasing him at a children's museum. Fun! For real though. Utah county has the best people watching ever. I even brought my sunglasses so I could stare creepily without being arrested.


Jared and Pee-Pre-schooler had a ton of fun.

They chopped wood for a fire.





Ate alarming amounts of marshmallows.





Lit marshmallows on fire then stomped on them.





Ryan spotted a rabbit down the mountain and insisted Jared drive him there so he could hunt it...... with rocks. Ryan gathered up some lethal rocks and insisted he sit in the back of the Razor so he could throw better. WTF. 




Of course Jared took him.

They got home Saturday. I teach Ryan's class at church every Sunday, so I started prepping. I opened the manual and saw the lesson topic:



I Can Be Kind to Animals. Perfect. 

I read through it and turned the page to make copies of the coloring sheet provided.




I gave the lesson the next day. As I explained that we should be kind to animals, Ryan told the class it's also fun to kill them with rocks. Especially rabbits.

And to jack up the lesson even more, Ryan also told everyone how we killed a squirrel with a pellet gun a week ago then poked it with sticks.




I'm still expecting a few calls from the other children's parents.
I plan on not answering them.



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