Mullet Skirt

In my early 20's, I like to think I dressed pretty cute.
All my friends always looked amazingly hot, so I just copied them.

We would shop at Express, The Limited, American Eagle, Fossil, Lucky Jeans and other "too cool" chain stores.

I specifically remember making a vow to my 22 year old self:

Whatever you do, don't dress like a mom.

I'm pretty serious about this. So When I found myself looking through Express and American Eagle the other day I was surprised to find that all their clothes looked pretty trendy. Not the good trendy, but the tacky kind of trendy. 

 I had this exact Jacket in the 1st grade.

A poncho?

I am not nearly cool enough to wear a mullet skirt.

Have I really grown out of my teenage stores I loved? 

I ended up buying a few things Gap, J. Crew and Ann Taylor Loft. 
That's right. ANN. TAYLOR. LOFT.

What am I? 45? Clearly, I am well on my way to breaking my vow of never dressing like a mom. I might as well start shopping at Coldwater Creek.

My only solace is that I am still obsessed with Fossil.  I live 10 minutes away from their factory outlet store. 

Thank you Fossil for your reasonably priced leather goods.

I am going to go cry in  my corner and mourn my youth.

Eating Waffles in Your Socks

Lets take a moment to reflect on how cute Cryin Ryan is. 

Before I had a kid everyone always told me how much work they are. They said I would never have time for myself and my life would be constantly stressful. 

No one every mentioned the fact that babies are probably the best things ever. EVER. 
Even when he jacks up everything I own, I still really like him. 

When he sneaks into my candy drawer wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and gym shorts,
 I still love him.

Eating waffles in his socks? I adore him.

When he ruins my $17 Lancome lipstick, you guessed it, I still think he's awesome. 

Pouring milk all over the keyboard? I am so lucky. 

Draws all over himself? Still my favorite.

 
The only thing that sucks about babies is that you have to deal with their poo.
Other than that they are so amazing, funny, and sweet. 

If you don't have one, you should totally make one or borrow someone else's baby. 

Babies make everything better.

Amen.

I Have 4 Fall Decorations

......and i am totally putting them up.

I usually have a pretty strict policy about no decorations in the Scott house.

Because:
1. I am lazy.
2. I don't like clutter.
3. I don't care.

I haven't decorated for a holiday for years..... actually I did put a peppermint candle out last Christmas and it was glorious.

I remember my mom always putting up homemade craft decorations and we loved them. So just for Pee-Toddler, I have decided to switch things up a bit.

Thanks to Pier One Imports, my house is now an Autumn retreat.

 

1. Apple Candle

2. Metal Thing

3. Metal Thing that holds little candles

4. Box of little pine-cones and acorns

Nothing makes me happier than spending money on stupid things.
Watch out Martha Stewart. I'm coming for you.
amen.

Underpants Burritos

Here is another one of my brilliant pre-planned date nights in an envelope.

Date Night Envelope #2 includes a elegant evening beginning with a trip to Cafe Rio.

Huge burritos make me very happy. 

After taking the burrito like a man, we will head home and start the movie (that we won't end up watching).

We put Cryin Ryan to bed, and then the underpants cuddle session begins.

Jared in his tighty whiteys makes me almost as happy as huge burritos.

p.s. I am at work right now and this 5 year old girl totally farted then giggled. sick.

Getting to Know You

It is not good for me to be bored. I get into massive amounts of trouble when I feel like I dont have anything better to do. A few days ago I found myself staring at the wall with crusty drool dripping from my mouth. 
I was so bored that I even considered calling a friend and being social...

I figured that before I get arrested again, I need to find something productive to do.... fast. 

Instead of being productive, I got addicted to the worst drug ever, Pinterest.

I made my own version of one of the pins I saw, "Date night in an envelope".
You prepare a bunch of envelopes with pre-planned date nights. On date night you pick one.

I entitled this dating masterpiece:

Getting to Know You

Date Instructions:

1. Shower

2. Dress up in Sexiest Lingerie

3. Play enclosed games

Game 1: Know Eachother

 

This includes about 50-60 questions intended to dig deep into your partners soul.
Questions include:

• What was your favorite part of puberty?
• What smell makes you want to gag? 
• If you could get a free boob job or a free testicle job, would you?
• What are you most afraid of?
• What is the best thing about your partner?
• When is the last time you cried like a little wuss?
• What makes you feel pretty?
• When you commit a crime and have to move out of the country, where are you going to move?

Game 2: Would You Rather

 

Includes a healthy stack of uncomfortable questions like:

• Would you rather make out with Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson?
• Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or talk like him for the rest of your life?
• Would you rather smell like a fart all the time for the rest of your life or drink a diarrhea milkshake?
• Would you rather have balls hang from your chin or have a five inch tail that wags every time you get excited?
• Would you rather be a hipster or die?
• Would you rather eat curry flavored poop or poop flavored curry?

Game 3: Dirty Jenga 

To play, click here. 

This is going to be an interesting date night. 
amen.

Zzyzx Road

Fine. I'll admit it. Even though in my previous post I claimed that I HATE poop.... It is actually one of my favorite topics. I hate tangible feces but I talk about it 50 times a day. 

Hence the following story.

On my way to Vegas at the end of August, we drove past the notorious Zzyzx Road.

Jared was so kind to remind me of my past relationship with this notorious landmark.
Zzyzx Road is passed by everyone driving  from Southern California through Las Vegas.  

When I was  5-6 months pregnant we went on a family trip to Vegas.
My uterus and bowels were at war my entire 40 weeks of being knocked up. I was either terribly constipated or pooping/peeing every 5 minutes.
Lucky for me, I was on a diarrhea binge during our 4 hour drive home.

Lets just get to the point. 

I totally took a pee/poo right off Zzyzx Road. 

There are no rest stops for miles. I had no other choice. So I popped a squat in my elastic banded pregnancy jeans and took care of business. 

There are only like 25-30 times in my entire life that I have been more ashamed of myself.





Now Jear-Bear lovingly reminds me what a foul human being I am every time we drive past this poop-littered landmark.

Man, I hated being pregnant. 
Amen. 

I hate poop

Before I had baby Ryan, I was was nervous. 

Late nights? No prob. 
Labor and delivery? I'll deal with it. 
Breastfeeding every 2 hours? Ok.
Extra laundry? Alright.
Extra housework? acceptable. 

Wiping Butt for the next few years? Definitely NOT OK.

I hate butts and I HATE poop. 
I even hate my own poop. I use a healthy 20-30 layers of toilet paper every time I wipe my own. 

Everyone said:

"It will be fine!"
"Your babies poop is not a big deal!"
"It's different when it's your own baby!"

 
Um.... Nope. It's still poop.
And when you change a diaper and it's still warm, it's just as sickening. 
And the older your kid gets, the more foul it becomes. 

The worst is when you catch your baby squatting and grunting in the corner. They always look you straight in the eyes when they are pinching a loaf. It's creepy.

I pretend not to be able to smell if Ryan took a dump in his pants when Jared is around. Then when Jear-bear notices, he has to change it.

I also try not to feed Pee-Toddler too much fresh fruit. Then he doesn't mess his pants as much. 

The smell is so disturbing, I can now hold my breath for over 1min and 15 seconds. 

Does anyone know if you can potty train your baby at 17 months?