Baby Sara Goes to Kansas

My baby sister Sara is officially on her Mormon mission to the great state of Kansas. Home of Corn fields, a 2% LDS population, and the notorious BTK serial killer. Kansas is also the setting for the Wizard of Oz.

She will be there for 18 months, wearing knee-length skirts and preaching the gospel. Amen Sister.

I bought her a bunch of stuff necessary for a successful ministry:
Lipgloss
Cute Journals
Red Steve Madden shoes
Red glitter nail polish
And some other crap

Naturally, I also included a drawing of her as Dorothy (the drawing her as the BTK killer didn't fit the theme):

We flew up to Utah to see her before she left.

 We hung out with the fam the entire time. On the last night we went to dinner in Salt Lake City at The Roof. It's a fancy-pants restaurant that overlooks the Salt Lake Temple.

Luckily we had our own room sectioned off from the rest of the dining room. Barlocker family dinner conversations are known to include anything from mission advice to midget prostitutes.

Baby Sara, Mom, Dad, Rachel, Me



AWWW! My little Sara is growing up!

Free Monster Coloring Pages

I made these monsters a while ago for my mom. She teaches quilting classes and wanted to make a Halloween themed monster quilt. She transferred my drawings onto her her fabric then worked her quilting magic.

Very Utah chic. 

Last week I wanted some coloring pages for the Boys and Girls Club but could only find lame ones online. So instead I just converted these into coloring pages for the spoiled kids.

The kids colored them, cut them out, and hung them on a huge banner in the cafeteria.
It was cuter than a kitten in a boot.
And A LOT cuter than the kids running around screaming because they're bored.

Sets of 4 Monsters (as seen above):

monstercoloringpage1.pdf
monstercoloringpage2.pdf

Larger Single Monsters - prints out around 6x6inches:

monster1.pdf
monster2.pdf
monster3.pdf
monster4.pdf
monster5.pdf
monster6.pdf
monster7.pdf
monster8.pdf
monster9.pdf
monster10.pdf
monster11.pdf

The End.

Baby Having Kit

I have a few friends who are having babies.

Of course I already bought them the cutest/littlest clothes I could find, but I wanted to get them something else too.

I was too lazy to sufficiently pack a hospital bag when I had Ryan. I ended up being there for 4 days and all I had was a couple of books, bubble gum, and some lip gloss.

While my friends are probably more prepared than I was, I thought it would be cool to get them some stupid stuff for their hospital bag that they probably wouldn't buy themselves.

Most of my idea's are pretty inappropriate, so I was pretty proud of myself for this.



I got the cute bag at Victoria's Secret and added (from top left):

• Oscar Blandi Dry Shampoo - in case your hair is nasty.
• Evian Mineral Water Hydrating Spray - in case you need a refresher during labor, or in case you feel like wasting overpriced water on your face.
• Bath and Body Works Hand Lotion - you don't want to be holding your new baby with sandpaper hands.
• Colgate Wisp Disposable Teeth Cleaners - no one likes after-birth breath or walking 4 feet to the bathroom to fix it.
• Wet Ones Anti-Bacterial Wipes - once again,  it's a waste to take that 4 foot walk to the bathroom just to wash your hands.
• Stretchy Headbands - So you don't look like a complete mess during your hospital stay.
• Deodorant - because the human body is disgusting. 
• Victoria's Secret Lipgloss - because it is delicious and can also double as nipple balm if you don't mind glittery nips.
• Bath and Body Works Hand Sanitizer - because hospitals are disgusting.
• Mouthwash - nothing is better than a clean mouth.... except maybe your new baby.
• Victoria's Secret Compact Mirror - in hindsight, this probably isn't that good of an idea.

I also added a cute little notebook and pen to record any thoughts or info you need.

Pretty good idea right?


The only things I should have added were bubblegum and 18 years worth of SD cards for their cameras. Well that, or 18 years worth of Valium.... amen.

My Busy Crotch

I don't need anything else added to my criminal record, which is why I was glad I was not arrested at the park last week. I flashed a bunch of unsuspecting families my private parts.

This was the first time I didn't do it on purpose.

I thought I would be the "cool mom" who played on the jungle gym with her kid. I claimed up a ladder and heard a rip. Then I felt the warm sun on places it shouldn't shine.

Although the sun was pleasant I knew something was wrong.

Luckily I wear underwear on Tuesdays.

One of my favorite pairs of jeans had finally ripped. The knees were already destroyed so I guess the crotch was the next logical place.

I get really introspective and a little sad when I consider that I'm old enough to have clothes wear out on me. Especially when they wear out in the crotch. It's not like my crotch has been especially busy.


Amen.

Baby Names

Baby #2 is a boy!!!!

Part of me still expects it to come out a girl because I rarely get what I want on life, but until then, I'll just plan on a boy.

Now I have to think of a super cool name for it. We didn't name Ryan until he was a few days old. I had only thought of names for him for like 15 min throughout my pregnancy. When the nurse asked us what we wanted to name him, we were like, "ummmmm how about Ryan? Meh... yeah, Ryan works, whatevs."

I should have spelled Ryan's name a lot cooler:  Rion.

Sorry Pee-Baby, your future job resumes are going to lack the pizazz of a trendy name spelling.

I am a big believer in solid, easy names. I know a bunch of people who LOVE spelling their kids names funky:

Nathalee

McOwenn

Jaileece

Ivee

MaKasha

Crestun

Etc.

I am way too dumb to remember all that.

When I yell at my kids, I want an easy name that rolls off the tongue i.e.

RYAN JAMES SCOTT!!!!!!!! YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!!!

See how melodic that is?                        

I need another name like that. Not This:

BTW I'll bet there is a 95% chance that this chick is Mormon.

EDIT 10/19/13 - I thought initially thought this picture was a joke. A brilliant joke that I was jealous that I didn't think of it first.
But no. It's real. Very, very real. 

Mason? Jack? Tyler? Ben? Ryan #2? ......Meh.... I'll figure it out in March.



Special Moments: San Diego

A few special moments from our trip to San Diego a couple of weeks ago.


Special moment #1

Jared found a spine in a bonfire pit outside our hotel room. A SPINE. Like, part of a skeleton...
It looked like a human spine. I was stoked. I read way too many true crime novels. But I also knew that a pig's spine is really similar to a human spine, so I tried not to get my hopes up.

He told the resort security guard. The security guard said the beach (which is 30 yards from the hotel) is county property so we should call the police because it's not his problem.

I love a non-nonchalant security guard.

The police came and we wasted 3 hours watching them from our balcony.

It turned out to be a pig's spine.
Someone had a pig roast the week before, and buried it in the bonfire's ashes instead of throwing it away in the trash can (which was 10 feet away).

I also love a non-nonchalant pig roaster.



Special moment #2

While I was busy throwing up one morning, Jared took Cryin Ryan swimming. Jared is too much of a man to consider putting a swimming diaper on Ryan.

They came back to the room and Jear-bear told me to stay away because Ryan dumped his pants. I throw up when I smell poo.

I heard Jared changing the diaper when I heard him say, "AWWWW! That is disgusting! AW! That is sick! NASTY!"
You should know that poop doesn't gross Jared out normally.

I was afraid to ask.

Jared explained that the gross part was that there wasn't any poo left in the diaper.... only a few hard nuggets. The rest had seeped out in the swimming pool. Sick.

I will never look at this swimming suit the same way.

If you happen to stay at the Bahia Resort in San Diego, think twice before getting in the hot tub.



Special moment #3

The San Diego Zoo is impressive. It's huge, beautifully landscaped, and has a ton of animals.

Pee-Baby's favorite thing?

A stupid small spider and it's stupid web.

We spent 45 min of our precious zoo time sitting on a bench while Ryan messed with a bug.

45 MINUTES.
I had to drag him away. He cried....with tears.

We could have saved $80 and let him look for spiders at the park.



Special moment #4

We went to Pei Wei and they had amazing coconut curry chicken.

The end.

Another Order of Boy Please

Today I find out the sex of my baby.
I will be happy no matter what it is as long as it's healthy, blah, blah, blah.

I will be more happy if it's a boy.

I already have all the clothes.
Ryan will have a little buddy to hunt spiders with. (FYI: yesterday, Pee-toddler stomped on a lizard with his crocs, so it didn't crush the lizard, it only squished it enough that the tongue came out. Sick.)


I have a huge backyard that I can make them take care of when they are older.

Boys usually don't cry as much as girls. I hate crying kids, even when it's my own.

Plus, I like boys because this:

I'm nervous that if we have a girl it will look more like my husband than like me, which would be a very bad thing.




I know...... I'm probably having a girl.

Dirty Sanchez Returns

If you are not aware of my upper lip problem, you should read this post first.

Being pregnant has made my Dirty Sánchez especially aggressive, and it's always lurking around.

If I spend 30 seconds in the sun, I look like I have a full blown mustache.

It's especially awesome when I break out on my chin. I look like a dirty hipster with a 'stache and a zit goatee. I bet people assume I have liberal political beliefs.... ugh.

To combat my facial hair illusion, I have prayed a lot and taken the following steps:

I put on a mustache of sunscreen every time I go outside. I use one of those sticks of sunscreen so I can apply it perfectly to my Sánchez. I keep hoping that the rest of my face will get tan and magically blend into the darker Sánchez area.


Then I got an even greater idea - self tanner.


I have some of Lindsey Lohan's self tanner that Sephora used to sell. BTW, It's the best self tanner I've ever used. I bought a bunch because I knew Lindsey would screw it up eventually and I wanted an emergency stock pile.



I have been putting self tanner all over my face every couple of nights.

Step 1:

But the genius idea is that I take a Q-tip and wipe the tanner off my Sánchez area.

Step 2:

When I wake up, you can barely tell that I was an old Mexican man in my past life!


On especially bad days, I will also admit to generous usage of concealer and bronzer.


I really believed I was over creepy bodily changes once I finished puberty.....
Damn you pregnancy hormones.

Sociological Porn

I think the Barnes and Noble in Thousand Oaks, CA is catching on to me.
I have gotten more than a few side-glances from employees there.

I buy my fair share of books, but lately I've been involved in some unscrupulous activity.

Is it really that bad to read entire books while Pee-Baby plays on the Thomas the Train set in the
Children's section?

I clean up Ryan's mess when we're done.
I am very nice to the books and make sure I don't get bodily fluids on them. Which, by the way, is why I am not a fan of public libraries..... too many fluids.
I am also very discreet about eating my packed lunch.


I love books. I usually only read non-fiction or literary classics, but author Dan Brown wrote a sequel to The Davinci Code. I was so excited. I even purchased it.
I read it in 3 days and it was everything I hoped for and more. I felt so dirty.

Besides recommending the Dan Brown book,  here are a few that I consider the "Fifty Shades of Grey" of the Social/Cultural section at B&N:

The Mole People: Life in the Tunnels Beneath New York City
By Jennifer Toth

This book is as cool as it sounds. There is also a rad documentary of the homeless living in the tunnels called Dark Days. It's on Netflix or for free here.

Gang Leader for a Day
By Sudhir Venkatesh

A rogue sociologist takes to the streets??? SEXY.
I don't know how some Indian kid made friends with a black drug dealer. And I don'r know how the The Indian kid was able to get gang records of drug deals, observe the gang's hierarchy, and avoid getting arrested - but the results are incredible.

Reefer Madness
By Eric Schlosser

This book exposes the American black market and how it impacts our society. Fascinating stuff.
Schlosser also wrote Fast Food Nation, which if you haven't read, you need to pack a lunch and get to B&N asap.


By the way, all those books were so good that I actually bought them a while ago but they are in storage while we remodel. I decided to re-read them in my favorite B&N chair.
If any fluids happen to be on the books, it's not mine.