Skunk Tail

I thought I would be a cool mom and dress up to go Trick-or-Treating.
I had splurged and bought skunk accessories mainly because there was a chic on the package dressed as a sexy skunk and I thought it was funny that someone thought dressing up as an animal that sprays stink out it's b-hole was sexy.

I put a big bowl of candy and a sign on the front porch for other Trick-or-Treaters because I'm not lame enough to not contribute to the cause. (Of course it was gone when we got home.)

Also, when we were home I gave extra candy to any teenagers because I always Trick-or-Treated as a teen and got super mad when people were annoyed at us and said we were too old.

You think teenagers don't like dressing up and getting free candy? Well, they do.

We got all dressed up and ready to go out.
I ran to the bathroom since I have given birth twice and now have to pee like a fire hose all the time.

I hurried and came out of the bathroom and noticed my pants felt wet. I looked behind me and there was a trail of water on the floor. I followed it back to the toilet.

I thought, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

I forgot about my skunk tail when I peed and it had marinated in the toilet while I went. AND the remnants were all over the floor.

I cleaned it up fast and tried to wash my tail in the sink. I was not about to waste $8 and not wear my skunk outfit.

I met Jared in front of the house. He asked why my tail was wet.
I told him it's not his problem and he needed to mind his own business..... after he took a picture.

We went all around the neighborhood with my wet tail sloshing behind me like a dead fish. It was uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable because of the wet tail but also uncomfortable because of my level of disgusting-ness.

Also, one of the reasons I wanted to go Trick-or-Treating was to peek in all my neighbors beautiful houses. They were super nice inside and now I hate them all even more. Especially Amy and Eliza.

P.S. Also, last week I let a marshmellow melt in my crotch at the doctor's office. Disgusting.

Polygamist Chic

I've got 99 problems, but a Halloween costume ain't one.

I found this Polygamist style dress in my mom's costume closet last year.

I have been spiritually bonded with it ever since.

I knew the universe had put this dress in my path for a reason, and that reason was for me to wear it on Halloween.

But last year as Halloween approached, my mom totally betrayed me (and the dress) by lending it out to someone else.
In Utah, Polygamist dresses like this are in high demand.
My 2014 Halloween was ruined and I had to be a crappy skeleton.

I wasn't about to lose the dress again, so I stole it, hid it in the back of my closet, rubbed my face against it everyday, and patiently waited for an entire year to wear it again.

My parent's costume party was last weekend, and I knew my special moment had arrived.

When it come to anything inappropriate or offensive, I like to think of myself as an overachiever.
I knew the most important part of a Sister-Wife costume was the hair, so I was going to do it the best I could.

While searching for ideas I came across one of the most magical YouTube videos I have ever had the pleasure of viewing:

Did you notice the uplifting music in the background?!? Probably not, since you were too busy taking notes.

I also got a few more style tips from this life changing blog:

Polygamy Chic

By the time I was all dressed and ready to go I couldn't even look in the mirror. I was a little ashamed/giddy that I looked so authentic. I probably have Sister-Wife blood running through my veins.

You know how some girls dress up as a slutty version of whatever they are for Halloween, like a slutty cop, a slutty witch, a slutty Disney princess, or a slutty mom?

Well, I thought about modifying the costume to be the slutty version of a Sister-Wife but I was already showing my ankles and Jared could barely keep his hands off of me as it was:

Look at my shoes and nervous face.

This picture maybe took it a little to far.

I could not even handle myself by the end of night.

When I tried to have serious conversations I knew there was nothing I could say that would distract people from the fact that I had on a fancy lace bib/collar.

It was especially awesome that Jared and I were the only adults really dressed up. 

BTW, does anyone know where I can meet hot young polygamist singles (or married, whatever...) in my area?



Note: While I have deep respect for religious freedom and individual's agency, I reserve the right to make fun of clothing and awesome hairstyles as I see fit.

Eating Adventures With T-bag

While Ryan is a horrible child eater, Baby Tyler, who is also horrible, is very open to trying new things.

I wouldn't normally post about something so lame as my child's eating habits, wait.... I post about lame crap all the time so never mind.

Tyler is foul.
He eats everything that humans shouldn't.
I am seriously surprised I haven't had to call 911.

I catch him eating the weirdest things:

• Candles

  

• Roly-polys, beetles, and other appetizing insects
• Carpet cleaner
• Sucking and drinking the juice out of Lysol cleaning wipes and baby wipes
• Old onion skins from the back of the pantry
• Soap

 

• Dust bunnies
• Mascara
• Markers he especially enjoys Crayola brand because I only give my boys the best

• Diaper cream
• Victoria's Secret lotion in Love Spell and Strawberries and Champagne
• Air freshener spray
• Laundry detergent
• Shoes
• Shaving Cream

• His own vomit

What's super surprising is that my kids don't eat their boogers.

I know your thinking...... why don't you just lock all this stuff up so Tyler can't access it?
And the answer is: you and your logic can shut up.

Plus, I think I read somewhere that markers and laundry detergent are an excellent source of protein which he needs for his daily workouts.

How can someone be so gross and so cute at the same time?