Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Tattletale Book

One of the staff at the Boys and Girls Club has an interesting way to pacify tattletales.

 Behold the Tattletale Book:

The first graders are notorious tattletales. So instead of fielding whiners all day, she has them write their complaints in the book. It is one of the best things ever.

Here we see the inner stuggles of the first graders.

 He was winee becus i seb thet i am not his frenb

 Anthony is said somethig bad to jaime bye have a good da


Fabion kicked me in the face u laitlle 

Anthony pook me on the eye

 

Gabrooll sed that Jamy was a cri baby

We can't forget the problem child, Nia.

Nia push Anthonys

Nia was fitien with me

Nia is being minn


 Nia boses us arond

And my personal favorite includes an emotional piece of art.


Sedistn M. Sedistn is eat my (chip)
Sedistn is min

The end.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Mom Curse

I know I talk a lot of trash about Pee-Baby, but the truth is: I am in sweet sweet love with him.
I wake up excited every morning and skip into his room. His toothless grin is better than warm early morning sunshine. His chubby leg stumps make me giddy. And his baby bald spot feeds my soul.

I always believed that once I had kids my fun would be over. Life would be torturous and filled with regret.
Wrong.

Having a kid is awesome.
I love everything he does.  I sigh when he grabs my face. I melt when he cuddles with me. I even think it's cute when he takes a dump on me.


There are a couple of negatives though. That's right, I'm talkin about the mom curse.
Once you have a kid your entire image molts and what you are left with is not pretty. Everything as you know it is swept aside and replaced with sweatpants. 

Before Kids:


After Kids:


I smell like spit-up all the time. I don't shower everyday. My bum is flabby like my boobs.

Every once in a while I get a good nights sleep and pull myself together.

But being Cryin Ryan's mom is my favorite thing ever and worth the crusty spit up and dried pee that splatters my clothes.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Christmas Present

I think we can all agree parents suck to shop for.

For this Christmas I had a great idea:
Draw mean pictures of everyone in my family and frame it.


I gave it to my parents in Utah at Thanksgiving.



(Dan, Matt, Aiden, Steph, Zac, Meg-zilla, Sara, PaPa, Mom, Angie, Brook, Shakey Jake, Rachel, Me holding Ryan, and a rather jolly Jared)

A few people did not appreciate my artistic interpretation.

Notice, if you will, that the "good"/butt-kisser kids are to the left of my mom and dad, while the awesome/trouble maker kids are to the right.

When we opened it up, both Dan and my Dad were wearing the exact same outfits that I drew them in.

Yes, that is a Quilt Cape my mom is wearing.
And yes, that is an AK-47 Shakey Jake is holding.
Also yes, Shakey Jake is wearing a Rambo headband.

I am pretty confident this will be hanging in the Getty Museum at some point.

Your welcome mom and dad!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

How Pee Baby Spends His Day

  Nothing is more interesting than other people's kids. I know you all were desperately wondering what Ryan does throughout the day, here you go.


Being Disgusting


 Sleeping with pants in mouth


Looking at Chucky's privates


Being Really White


And Ruining Folded Laundry


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Nut Card

I have been feeling really bad for my brother, Daniel, and his nuts.
After he was clocked in the peeps by Meg-zilla on Thanksgiving he had to go to the hospital for some swollen appendage issues. :(

I felt like a warm bowl of chicken noodle soup was inappropriate to send through the mail.

I went to Hallmark to find an appropriate card, but my search turned up fruitless.
I immediately dug out my Mormon Girl emergency supplies (i.e. scrap-booking crap).
I knew I would be able to make perfect craft for this occasion.

Ta-daaaaa!


Sorry about your nuts Dan.


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Auntie Pee Pee and Uncle Poo Poo

My favorite Brother Jake has a cute little girl.

Since she was a baby, Jake taught her to call me Auntie Pee Pee and referred to Jared as Uncle Poo Poo.


As Auntie Pee Pee, I have taken my responsibilities very seriously.


I taught her what a cow says - mooooooo
What a frog says - ribbit ribbit
What a kitty says - meow
And what a wiener says - psssssssss

She's a smart little gremlin.

She doesn't like to say Ryan so she calls my baby a variety of inappropriate names.


Most often she calls him "Rhiney"
And when she feels like spicing things up a bit, she busts out "Rhiner", a magnificent mixture of Ryan and wiener.

That's all, amen.

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