Monkey Forest

Five years ago Jared and I were heading out on our 2 week honeymoon. Jared refused to tell me where we were going and only told me to pack a lot a swim suits and hiking boots.

After a 14 hour flight on our layover in Taipei, Taiwan Jared finally told me where he was kidnapping me. 6 more hours on a small plane and we would be in Bali, Indonesia. Awesome.

Memorable times included

• Five dollar - hour long massages.

• Scuba Diving a shipwreck.

• FOOD, some of the best food ever and all extremely cheap.

• $18 a night bungalows right on the beach. 

 

 

• Doing IT.

• Almost getting ripped off by a gang of small Indonesian men.

• Teenage boys thinking I was some famous person while freaking out and making Jared take pictures of them with me.

• Outdoor Showers.

• Coincidentally meeting some family friends and having dinner at their traditional Balinese compound.

• Being with my new husband for 24 hours a day in paradise.

But one of the best memories....

The Monkey Forest.

Crazy monkeys everywhere who stole stuff out of peoples purses. The only way the tourists could get their stuff back was by trading bananas with the monkeys. For real.

Plus, look at their hairy balls. 

5 Years of Awesome

This Friday, May 21, Jared and I will have been married for five. Entire. Years.


Jared began humbly as "Lunch-break." The many boys in my phone were not known by their names, they were known simply by their place in my life or nicknames that my friends had given them.
Common examples include:
"Dermy"
"White Trash-eriffic"
"Rapey Jake"
"Short but Hot"
and "Too Tan"

Jared was dubbed "Lunch-break" as his apartment was down the street from my work. On days when I wasn't hungry for food I would drive over to Jared's. A quick make-out session later and I was ready for the rest of the day, hence "Lunch-break."

The only problem with this system was my family and friends constantly slipped and referred to my dates as their nicknames........ To their face.

I knew things were getting serious when I changed his name to "Jared" in my phone.

After asking me to marry him on New Years Eve, I canceled my date with "Rapey Jake" figuring that my new fiance might not approve of me hanging out with someone who has "Rapey" in their nickname.

We got married.
And we lived happily ever after.

Shrek Crotch

I had a great idea this morning as I was running around late for work.

I could add spinach to my chocolate-banana protein shake! Breakfast with the added benefits of all the nutrients spinach provides! Seemingly genius. Plus my over sized carton of Costco spinach was going to start rotting any day.
I grabbed a handful of wilted spinach and threw it in the blender. I jumped into my work clothes just in time to witness my shake morph into Shrek colored diarrhea.

Still in a hurry I grabbed my lip gloss, candy and car keys. With the brownish green puke-shake in my hand I locked the door.... only to turn around and spill all over my pants and all over my porch.
So today I got to chill out at Joes Jeans with green rot all over my crotch. amen.

My Mom is Better Than Your Mom

My mom, Erlynn, is better than your mom.

• She taught me how to clean the house like a maniac.

• She told me I was pretty even when I was ugly.

• She writes nice notes to me.

• She has never been mean to me even after I wrestled her on the ground in the middle of the airport.

• She gave me all of her scrap-booking stuff after she realized scrap-booking kind of sucks.

She laughs at my questionable, inappropriate and often times tasteless jokes such as this:

Sugar on Top

So I have a new church job and am no longer in the Nursery. Fine, but if I don't get to chill out with 2-3 year olds, I'm taking Butt Doll with me.... And dont think I'm not going to sneak pretzels and goldfish crackers into the adult class.

My new job is Secretary in the Young Women s organization. This group consists of 12-18 year old teenagers who continually behave more mature than I do. I basically hang out with them at church on Sunday and Tuesday nights. I also have to do secretary stuff like nodding and smiling at the same time.
Last night a couple of girls came to my house and dropped this off:

Chocolate covered marshmallows with sprinkles.

Thats right. Sugar covered sugar with sugar on top. In a bucket.

...............The 3 year olds never gave me candy.

This Young Woman's thing just might work out.

Dragon Breath

My bi-annual teeth cleaning began with a bag of Doritos.

I worked that morning and the strenuous denim sales at Joe's Jeans worked up my appetite. I ate my string cheese, apple, and 4 bags of those cursed 100 calorie cookies.
But the vending machines continued to beckon. I ate a whole bag of spicy Doritos in 30 seconds flat. While breathing my dragon breath all over my work I remembered I had a dentist appointment.

I was exceptionally nice to my hygienist only because I hoped she would slip me some laughing gas. I asked her to hook it up but she giggled and thought I was kidding. I was serious. Dead serious. Laughing gas is awesome and I don't joke about it. But because she had a scrunchies in her hair and scrubs with cartoons on them I let it slide.

The whole time I self-consciously focused on breathing out of my nose, hoping the chick would not get a whiff of my partly digested Doritos air. Getting your mouth cleaned by strangers is uncomfortable enough, and having offensive odor emanate from your orifice only exacerbates the ordeal. Oh yeah, by the way hygienist, quit asking me questions while your hands are in my mouth.

Good news soon followed.
No cavities!
With the amount of candy I eat a "no cavity" appointment is considered a huge win. Next time I will remember to only eat mint leaves and Altoids. On second thought, I'll just brush my teeth.

I will also ask for a hygienist that fully appreciates the properties of Nitrous oxide.

Insta-Shower

This stuff is genius. Sephora has once again introduced me to something that improves my quality of life so much, I had to buy 3.

CLEAN perfume. Shower Fresh, Fresh Laundry and Outdoor Shower Fresh.

But let's be honest.

I use this perfume in lieu of a real shower on a more frequent base than I like to admit. Especially given that I have an 8am class this semester.


Today I will wear Laundry Fresh.

Your welcome, girl that sits in the desk next to me.