11.09.2013

How to Look Hot When You're Pregnant



I have crawled out from under my rock a few times the past month.

While I've been creeping around like a diseased rat, a couple people have asked "how do you look so good when your pregnant?!"



While I am flattered and appreciate the compliment, I just shake my head and think to myself, "if you only knew...."

But, being the altruistic person that I am, I've decided to divulge my pregnancy beauty secrets.


  • Only post pictures where you look good, keep the depressing ones to yourself. Use your other kids to mask your unattractiveness. See how I cleverly use Pee-Baby to cover up my 5 months pregnancy? Tricky, tricky.


  • Get crazy morning sickness that lasts the entire pregnancy. Chronic puking really helps keep my weight gain under control. Just be prepared to spend hours in bed and on your bathroom floor with no energy and lots of vomit crusted in your hair.
  • Wear 3 days worth of makeup every time you leave your house. When I feel I spackled enough on, I always add one more layer for extra security.
  • Lighten your hair. Blonder hair distracts people from my pregnancy induced ugliness.
  • On days that you actually do your hair, use a TON of hairspray so you don't have to do it again until the next month. 
  • Buy tricky maternity pants that hide your fat butt. I wear a lot of black and dark blue.


  • Also buy shirts that accentuate your baby bump. People will cut you a lot of slack if they know your growing a human. Remember: Hide your butt, Show your baby.
  • Since there is a good chance you are sleeping like crap - keep a bottle of eye drops on your person at ALL TIMES. Stoned red eyes are not attractive.
  • Most of my maternity pajamas look like work-out clothes. When I don't get dressed before I go out, I appear to be one of the annoying people who actually go to the gym....... instead of the snail that I am.
  • The best trick though, is to just stay in your house and keep your nastiness to yourself.




 Yes, Cryin' Ryan is dancing to Brittney Spears with his shirt half off.
Another typical day at the Scott household.



3 comments:

  1. So it has been on my mind. Is the whole fegzilla hate thing real? is this a funny play thing that you do with your food before you eat it, or do you really not get along with her?

    Also because I am a stalker I clicked over to her blog, the one where she said she plans to get ready and dressed everyday after the baby comes. And I sort of felt angry because NO YOU WON'T. And then I sort of prayed that her feg baby would be colicky. Then I repented. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it's real. She sucks. Since I started calling her out on everything she has been a lot nicer to everyone. Win-win!!!!

      Delete
    2. Oh yeah.... feg baby?!? Hahahahahahaha!
      And she had the baby and it's kicking her butt and she totally doesn't get ready every day.

      Delete

Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.