Eye Rock

I was doing my yearly hour of yard work when I found a bunch of cool rocks.  

I hyperventilate if I throw anything away that can be used for a lame craft so I kept my ziploc bag of rocks. 

Then I thought of something equally lame and cool.

For the Boys and Girls Club Smartgirls Program I made this whole lesson about why it's important to have self esteem. 

Part of our session included passing a rock around. Whoever had the rock had to say one good thing about themselves and one good thing about the person they passed the rock onto. 

One of the little girls could not think of something positive to say about herself. The whole group waited silently for about 2-3 min. My heart was breaking for her. I wanted to start telling her all the good things I think about her but I didn't because I wanted her to be able to come up with good things on her own.

We kept waiting....

Then my sweet little minions started calling out all these different compliments about the little sad little girl. My heart almost fell out my butt. I was so touched that young girls noticed she needed help and made her feel special. 

The sad little girl then repeated on of the compliments the minions had pointed out and passed the rock on. 

Afterwards I gave the girls rocks to paint. I showed them how to paint an eye on them.

This is where my genius comes in....... 
Everytime the girls see the rock they are supposed to think "I Rock!"

Eye Rock = "I Rock"

Get it!?!?!?
I sometimes can't believe how clever I am.   

Then, to make my idea even more novel, I told the girls that every time they see the rock and think "I Rock" they also have to think 1 good thing about themselves!!!

It's painful to be so lame.

Pee + Poo = The Zoo

I spent yesterday at the Santa Barbara Zoo with the Boys and Girls Club. 

This was awesome for 3 reasons:

1. Cryin Ryan came with me.
2. I got to walk around the entire day with my smart-a$$ friend/boss Lisa and make fun of everything.
3. All the kids were cute, happy and funny. As always.

Every time I asked the kids if they were having fun they would reply with wide eyes and big smiles.

• "I saw the elephant poop! I was a BIG poop!"
• "The gorilla pooped! Right in front of us!"
• "I saw the animals privates!"
• "The giraffe peed!"
• "The vultures neck looks like a penis!"

Wait... Lisa said the last one, not the kids.

Why is the highlight of everyone's day at the zoo ALWAYS involve animals peeing, pooping and/or flashing?

Check out these cinematic masterpieces:

(Pay special attention to how happy the people in the background are. You know that was the best part of their day.)

You know this dude had to have an awkward conversation with his kid on the way home:

I think in the future when we have to give Cryin Ryan the sex talk.... we'll just take him to the zoo. amen.

Chickens and Goats

I planned a field trip for the third graders at the Boys and Girls Club.

My boss and I both drove huge vans full of giddy, pants-peeing kids to:

The Painted Pony Farm in Ojai.  

 

 Jared and Cryin' Ryan tagged along. 

 Everyone got to hold bunnies and chicks. 

 Ryan made out with a chicken then tried to tear it's beak off.

 

All the kids also got to milk a goat. My boss tried it after I reminded him about the bragging rights that come with being able to milk things. He had a disgusted look on his face the entire milking. 

I guess he's not that comfortable around goat nips.

Then Farmer Steve let the kids feed the goats. Ryan always gets excited around animals. He loves them. Like, seriously LOVES them. He tried to lick this goat: 

The best part about this field trip was this kid getting pooped on by a chicken:

Why yes, that IS a poop shaped like a wiener, thanks for asking. 

The other staff and I just stood there laughing. My boss was nice enough to help a kid out. 

Right after the poor kid was turded on, Pee-baby sneezed boogers all over his arm.

 Then we looked at a pig.

amen.

Painting My Boobs

A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure of entertaining a particularly "spirited" child at the Boys and Girls Club. She was acting a fool in her class and her punishment was to hang out with me for the day. 

Staff often threaten misbehaving kids with a trip to "Miss Emily". 

That's right. I make kids cry.

The prisoner was delivered to me. 

 It turned out the little girl was just feeling sick and missing her military dad who had been deployed. It was my duty as a patriotic American to distract the little girl.

I enlisted the minions to help me.

We have had these tiny wooden birdhouses in our office forever. We also have huge bottles of paint.

Needless to say, we painted the crap out of those birdhouses. 

When we were done we showed off our freshly painted trinkets to the rest of the kids and BGC staff. 

They really appreciated the beauty that emanates from a simple birdhouse that is too small to actually use.

 I was pumped. 

 Well, I WAS pumped until I got home and noticed that, at some point, I had dunked my nips in purple paint......... and NO ONE told me.

No wonder the moms were not especially nice to me when they signed their kids out......

And no wonder the fathers were. 

 I feel violated. amen.