Rotten Buttermilk

I can make cookies.

I can also whip up a mean box of Rice-a-Roni.
And if you every need anyone to make garlic breadsticks, I'm your girl.

Sadly, that is the extent of my prowess in the kitchen. 

Jared's grandma, Annette, makes amazing blueberry bran muffins. She is legally blind, so I figured if she can bake them, so can I.
She gave me her recipe.

I went to the store and bought everything I needed. I began my quest.


The recipe called for 1 cup of buttermilk. I have never used, seen, or tasted it.

I opened the box and poured it into the measuring cup. I caught a whiff of warm unpleasantness.
It smelt sour and rotten, like an old man's breath mixed with his butt.

It was weird because according to the date on the carton, it hadn't expired yet.

I took it back to Albertson's and complained that my buttermilk was rotten. The manager happily exchanged it and gave me a new one.

Back at home I opened up the new carton.
 

IT SMELLED NASTY AGAIN!!!!! UGH!!!!!

I drove unnecessarily fast back to Albertsons and asked for another new buttermilk with the furthest expiration date.

On my way home Jared called me. I went off about how Albertson's has nasty buttermilk and I had to go back twice because they were so foul.

That's when Jared told me - it's supposed to be that way.

Then he told me -

 "It's a good thing you're attractive, because you're pretty dumb".

I promptly sent an apology card to the Albertson's manager.

amen.

10 Things: Guilty

In the past couple of weeks I have been guilty of the following:


1. I put three dirty dishes in the dishwasher, which was full of clean dishes..... then I restarted the dishwasher because I was too lazy to empty it and/or hand wash my 3 dishes.


2. Actively trying to make Fegalicious cry even though her brain doesn't function on an human adult level. I suspect that teasing her is similar to teasing a angry squirrel.

3. I waste approximately 8-10 butt-wipes every time I change Ryan's poo diapers. I am deathly scared of getting any of his logs on my hands.

4. I looked at a huge mess Ryan made and thought "Someone should really clean that". Then I went to the park instead.


5. I wrote things down on my To Do list even though I had already done them. I wanted to cross them out so I would feel more productive.


6. One day I slept in until 9:00am and let my hyperactive two year old run around the house with no supervision. When I got out of bed there were 6 tomatoes smashed on my couch, saturating my white pillows and ground into the carpet............ totally worth it.


7. I tempted fate by driving around on an empty fuel tank. I was too lazy to stop for gas.


8. I went on another binge reading kick. Who knew there were so many cool books about polygamy?

9. I was neglecting my sunscreen responsibilities and I noticed that my Dirty Sanchez is trying to reappear. Damn you sunny California.


10. I was on a bug-hunt with Cryin Ryan and couldn't find any insects. I was bored and hot so I just put a crumpled leaf in his jar and told him it was a spider. He was excited.

I am not very proud of this list.

Violated Bananas

Remember this nastiness?

Well a few months ago when my parents visited, I came out to eat breakfast and found this guy molesting my bananas:

My disgusting drawing - colored, cut out, and placed somewhere inappropriate.......by my mom.

Just one of the many examples of why I am so messed up.

Thanks mom! I love being your favorite child.