I am no stranger to finding questionable things on my front porch.
Remember this nausea-inducing Potato Bug? What about the Butt/Wiener vase?
That all happened in California.
Things have been a little slower here in Utah.
Well, last week I was surprised/stoked to find a little something on my door step.
It was a sheet of paper with a drawing of a piece of candy on the front.
Kind of cute, right?
Then I open it up to find this:
Please give us 3 candys NOW!
Leave it on your frouik Porch.
List of things you can give
I don't know who wrote it but I do know:
- it was from more than one person.
- those persons are kids.
- they don't know that chips technically aren't candy.
- they know about my emergency preparedness candy stash.
- that their capitalization of the word "NOW" means business.
- and that I'm even more concerned by their use of proper punctuation.
I wasn't about to wait around for something crazy to happen.
I gathered a reasonable offering of Starbursts and Pop Rocks from my candy cupboard (yes, I have an entire kitchen cabinet just for candy, don't judge me, you don't know me).
I knew the perpetrators were likely watching from a distance so I walked out slowly with my hands up where they could see them. My heart was beating fast.
I placed the candy carefully on my porch, exactly as they had demanded, and steadily backed up into my house.
I creepily watched from my window to see who would come gather the candy, but after 3 minutes I got super bored so I left and watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
I am so glad I had the emergency stockpile of candy because if threatening letters from middle-class white kids isn't an emergency, then I don't know what is.