Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Candy Threats

I am no stranger to finding questionable things on my front porch.
Remember this nausea-inducing Potato Bug? What about the Butt/Wiener vase?

That all happened in California.
Things have been a little slower here in Utah.

Well, last week I was surprised/stoked to find a little something on my door step.

It was a sheet of paper with a drawing of a piece of candy on the front.

Kind of cute, right?

Then I open it up to find this:

Please give us 3 candys NOW!

Leave it on your frouik Porch.
List of things you can give


from ?

I don't know who wrote it but I do know:

  • it was from more than one person.
  • those persons are kids.
  • they don't know that chips technically aren't candy.
  • they know about my emergency preparedness candy stash.
  • that their capitalization of the word "NOW" means business.
  • and that I'm even more concerned by their use of proper punctuation.

I wasn't about to wait around for something crazy to happen.

I gathered a reasonable offering of Starbursts and Pop Rocks from my candy cupboard (yes, I have an entire kitchen cabinet just for candy, don't judge me, you don't know me).
I knew the perpetrators were likely watching from a distance so I walked out slowly with my hands up where they could see them. My heart was beating fast.
I placed the candy carefully on my porch, exactly as they had demanded, and steadily backed up into my house. 

I creepily watched from my window to see who would come gather the candy, but after 3 minutes I got super bored so I left and watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. 

I am so glad I had the emergency stockpile of candy because if threatening letters from middle-class white kids isn't an emergency, then I don't know what is.


  1. LOVE it! Now I know what to do if I need candy and don't want to go to the store! Haha I seriously love how fun you are! And that kids knew they could count on you for this!

  2. You have a cabinet dedicated for candy? Just one more reason you are my spirit animal.


Speak with your heart or your private parts, either one is fine with me.


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