My Beautiful Yard

Being a new home owner should come with a manual. While shopping for homes in Southern California my Husband and I were determined to find the best shack that our money could buy. If anyone is familiar with the housing market in So. Cal. you know that in order to have a nice house you must promise your first born as the down payment. Lucky for us, Jared and I are both relatively smart with our money and have saved a little while living in Ohio. We searched everywhere, but we had our eyes set on a nunnery across the street from where we were squatting. Jared's grandparents were kind enough to let us crash in their beautiful house for what turned into 4 MONTHS. Eager to have us move out, Jared's grandma Annette used her sweet old lady charm to get us the details about the possible selling of the nunnery.
We ended up buying this house the second we found out it was available. I later received many hate calls about our covert purchase.
The house is pretty nasty. There are handle bars throughout the house used for helping the old nuns get around. The cupboards smell like old cheap perfume. The garage has been converted into a chapel with a cross on the outside. It is also unfortunate that the front of our house looks like a mobile home.

On the other hand the yard is amazing. I thought that there was no way we could find a house with a yard in California.




The downside is that we can't afford the yard care services that were keeping the yard so beautiful. I now spend most of my free time trying to keep the yard from growing wild. I sometimes wonder why I am paying an insane mortgage to live in a nasty house, spend all my time doing yard work, and smelling the cupboards.... then I walk outside in a skirt and flip flops in the middle of winter.... it's awesome here.

Public Bathroom Etiquette

The following should be common sense, but because our society has a few issues with that, I will spell it out.


1. NEVER use the stall directly next to an occupied stall if others are available.
Doing your business in public is creepy enough. Doing it with a stranger 2 feet away from you is worse.
2. Do not leave your pubic hair on the seat.
At least blow it on the floor...If you have so many that you are actually shedding, you should maybe look into buying some hair clippers.
3. Flush.
Nobody wants to see your poo (unless we have the same plumber.)
4. Do not permit your children to peek under stalls to see if they are empty.
This happened to me today. Good thing I had trimmed my pubes. But that said, I do not want to be your child's first anatomy lesson.

5. At least pretend to wash your hands.

amen.

Why I do not have children

Jared and I have been married three and a half years. Jared is getting old. I have spotted a couple of grey hairs. His sperm is probably getting old too. In turn, people are always asking us why Jared has not knocked me up yet. It seems to be the favorite question of people I barely know. I guess this is a fair question considering my vagina is their business.

Why we do not have children:






















Emily 11 years old/ Jared 12 years old

Mixing this dna could equal a disaster.
And I need to finish my degree....

My First Heart Attack... almost.

I was running late for school as I usually do, when I opened my front door and saw a huge chunk of something on my porch. I hurried and locked my door and stopped to see what this thing was. This is what I found:

I almost shat my pants. This nasty bug was HUGE, almost 3 inches. The one on my porch was lying on its back twitching and dying. Goo was falling out of its anus. I am not joking. If you have never encountered one of these, you should say a prayer right now, thanking God. 


I never knew these bugs even existed, so I thought I had discovered some alien bug. I decided to save it to show people, so I went inside and grabbed a Ziploc bag. I found a stick to push the fetus look-alike in the bag, but when the stick got close, the bug started having a seizure (or whatever that thing was doing...) 

I almost pooped myself again and so I left the bug alone. I did not want any anus goo on me.

I took a picture instead. Later, I was showing it to people at school and found out that it was a Jerusalem Cricket aka Potato Bug.

I have come to the conclusion that I did something to piss God off really bad, otherwise that disgusting thing wouldn't have been laid out like a present on my porch. 

I have had nightmares about it for two nights now. Really. 

My Plumber and I

I am taking a nutrition class this semester and my professor has converted me to the church of Fiber. I have been upping my fiber intake for the last two weeks and was proud of my new found regularity.

My husband and I are in the midst of a basement remodel so that we can rent it out. In order to do this, washer and dryer hookups had to be installed on the main floor. We hired a plumber recommended by a good friend. He let me know that he was turning the water off for a while to complete some of his work.

After 45 minutes I forgot that the water was off and went #2 in the bathroom. This was not an ordinary #2. This was a fiber saturated, baby-arm size #2. When finished, I tried to flush. Nothing happened. It was only then did I remember that the water off. I closed the lid and snuck back to my office hoping the plumber would not need to check the toilet for anything.

Later, he came in and informed me that the water was on. I smiled and said "thanks." I clenched my teeth as I heard him walk towards the bathroom. I heard him lift the lid.... then silence. I shook my head in shame as I heard the toilet struggle to flush.

The normally friendly plumber did not say goodbye when he left for the day.

Lucky for me, I'll probably see him at Albertson's or church.... if I can manage to look him in the eyes.

amen.

My introduction to Ohio

I originally intended this blog to be insightful and witty . I then remembered that I am a 24 year old girl living in southern California and cannot deliver either of these things. I am sorry. However, I can provide possibly entertaining stories of the crazy and often embarrassing things that always happen to me.

I recently moved from the heart of the Midwest. Though I grew up on the West Coast, I have lived in Ohio the past two years of my life.
When I arrived in Ohio, I decided to go the local Sam's Club (I'm addicted to shopping in bulk). I needed to pick up tortillas so my husband could cook my dinner. I'll get to my lack of domestic skills later. I searched everywhere but could not find them (the tortillas, not my domestic skills.) I had to ask one of the creepy sample hander-outers where they were.

Me: Excuse me? Can you tell me where the tortillas are? (I did not want to say ma'am or sir because I was not sure what category sample-person fit under.)

Sample-person: Ummmm..... I don't thank we have tortillas here...

Me: You don't have tortillas?

Sample-person: Nope.

Me: (showing her my shopping list with the word tortilla written out) They are for making burritos.... Are you sure you don't have any?

Sample-person: OH!!! TOR-TEAL-AH! they're over on isle 5....