My Kid Is Bad In Kindergarten

Little Cryin Ryan is growing up.

He started school last month.
I didn't even cry.
Just kidding, I cried once, then had a pity party for myself complete with a 5lb bag of gummi bears.

We went to the Back To School night to check out where I would be abandoning my child.
His teacher, Mrs. Wilson is super cute and around my age, I assume.

She had pieces of paper that parents could pick one to help donate supplies to the classroom.
Each paper had a certain item listed.


I took 4.
The teacher was like, "you don't have to take 4! 1 is more than enough. Most parents don't even take one!"

And because I usually do whatever I want, I was like, "I'll take 4, it's no big deal. Plus, I need to compensate for the fact that you have to have Ryan in your class for a year."

I went to Costco and bought a huge amount of tissues, paper cups, paper plates, and paper towels.

When I dropped everything off, I noticed that she still had a bunch of the slips of paper hanging out. I insisted that I grab a couple more.

When I dropped the second load of suck-up supplies off, Mrs. Wilson was really grateful. Once again, I mentioned that fact that Ryan can be a handful and I'm trying to make up for it.
She laughed like I was joking.

But I wasn't joking at all.


I try to volunteer in Ryan's classroom once in a while.
I was obliviously helping kids paint when I looked over and saw this:

Ryan was on the RED.
That little A-hole.

Only 2 kids were on RED and one of them belonged to me.

I couldn't believe it.
Just kidding again. I could totally believe it.
Why else would I spend $75 on school crap for their classroom?
I knew this was going to happen.


I talked to Ryan. Turns out he is well-aware that he misbehaves. At least he takes responsibility.
I grounded him from his Kindle.
Then I realized that was more of a punishment for me, so I grounded him from his friends and made him write a sorry letter.

If your kids are little punks, you can make them write apology letters! Look at this convenient free font:  KG Primary Dots from dafont.com


The next week Ryan stayed in the middle on GREEN for a solid 3 days.

But as of Friday, he is on RED again.

He said it was because he was talking to a girl about the bad-guy clowns "trying to kill everyone."
Fair enough. That's a serious topic for a child.

I told him it wasn't true and if it was true then it would be on the news.
Then my dumb-A turned on KSL 1160 and guess what they were talking about?.... the freaking clowns.

Thanks a lot KSL.

What I want to know is, is it ethically wrong to tell your kid that killer clowns only hurt kids when their clips get moved to RED?


I'm on the fence on this one.

1 Million Tacos

I've never played the lottery. I cant justify buying a ticket at the gas station when there is a bag of Reese's Pieces right next to the register for the same price.
In any situation, I always pick the Reese's Pieces.
Even after I gave birth to my children, if there happened to be one nurse handing me my newborn and another nurse handing me a family sized bag of Reese's Pieces, I would instinctively reach for the candy.

Then I'd probably try to breastfeed it. 

With all the Powerball hype a month ago, I was thinking about how cool it would be to win a big chunk of money.

I'm sure most people have thought about this.

Let's say, hypothetically, I won a million dollars.

Let's say I was not allowed to do anything responsible with it. No investing, no saving, no donations to charity.
In no particular order, here's what I'd do:


I would buy a huge white rapist van because those things are fun to drive.

Buy a human sized net to keep in the van.

When I go to Walmart and I would buy whatever food I wanted, even if it wasn't on sale..... especially if it wasn't on sale.


I would wait until my kids were older then take them on a trip around the world.
I would visit:
Everest base camp in Nepal
Sri Lanka
Morrocco
Auschwitz Concentration Camp
Amsterdam
Dresden
Petra
The Maldives
And all the other cool places I could think of including Tijuana, Mexico.

I would buy a bed so I could be a real adult. My Mattress on the floor reminds me of a college apartment. My mattress is one of the best things in my life and it deserves better than that.

I would buy a lifetime subscription to National Geographic.

I would buy a lifetime pass for Jared and I to Brighton Ski Resort and by "lifetime pass" I mean a buttload of marijuana since all the lifties can be easily bribed with a joint, which is cheaper than the actual ski pass since I am a shrewd, but diplomatic, negotiator.

I would build a padded room to store my children in. The pads would be high quality and plastic covered so I could hose the place down after any body fluid accidents. There would also be a drain in the middle.

I could think of a million other things to buy too, but let's be honest....

We all know I would totally end up spending all the money on 1 million tacos from taco bell.

Gingerbread Competition

Usually when I am in Utah and my family gets together we sit around the table, talk some trash, and see what sibling cries first.

This year I decided to switch things up a little bit. 
After an embarrassing amount of time on pinterest and blog-stalking, I decided to throw a gingerbread house building contest.  
I convinced my parents to pay for everything. I bought a ton of graham crackers and WAY MORE candy than necessary. (After the contest the extra candy was promptly hidden and then packed in my luggage and returned home to California with me.)

I made a butt-load of frosting. So much frosting that "butt-load" is the only adjective that can describe the amount accurately.

The rules:

People can build in teams or do it by themselves.
After everyone builds their Gingerbread Houses, everyone will get to vote on their favorite house. 
Each person gets 2 votes. You cannot vote for yourself.
Prizes were awarded accordingly.

My dad and Grandpa received the most votes by buiding a  mini-replica of my parent's house:

The Best Construction

Award

Congratulations! Your gingerbread house is well constructed that we all suspect you have secretly been practicing for this contest.

The house with the least amount of votes got:

The Pity

Award

Congratulations! Your gingerbread house is so ugly that people feel sorry for you.

Clearly, my 18 year old sister Sara was taking this contest seriously.

Then, since I was in charge and could do whatever I want, I picked the Gingerbread house that was awarded this: 

The Sexiest

Award 
Congratulations! Your gingerbread house is sexy. Awkward... This was supposed to be a FAMILY competition.

If this gingerbread house isn't sexy, I don't know what is.
I think the 1/2 banana in the middle is what really sealed the deal. 
3 year old Aiden was stoked to win the Sexiest Award.

Other notable entries included: 

 

My mom and Grandma Alice's Ocean Liner

Megan and Zac's perfectly constructed home

Daniel and Erika recreated  Rapunzel's Tower

Jared and I made a trailer house into a home

P.S. I stole a bunch of these pictures from my sister's blog because her's are 50x better than mine.

$500 and Pee Stains

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I hate that phrase but seriously...

OMG!

Victoria's Secret sometimes issues incentive cards with your purchase. They are only valid for the following month. I got mine in March ergo, I could only use it April 1-30. The cards have a surprise amount of store credit, but you have to go back to the store to find out how much it's worth. They have at least $10 and up to $500.

Since April 30 was the last day you could use the incentive cards. I went in a grabbed a $10 lotion knowing the card had at least $10 on it.

The sales girl swiped the card and her jaw dropped.

$500 dollars was on the gift card!!! OMG!

I peed my pants more that I did at the trampoline park a few weeks ago!

I had to spend it all as April 30 was the last day it would be valid.

 My receipt was longer than the pee stains down my pants!

I assume this is the universe telling me:

A. I need to wear hotter pajamas

B. The Bombshell bra is not for amateurs
C. God wants me to have more lip gloss and lotion


Now I can cross "win something awesome" off my life's to do list. 

I went home and tested some of my new lingerie for my husband.

Afterwards, I heard something at the foot of the bed and found this little pervert:

Chucky the voyeur.

I have had a crap-eating grin on my face for the last 2 days. (Not because my cat watched me bang my husband, but because I won $500.)

 Looks like someone has been earning some good karma lately....I even got out of jury duty yesterday.

OMG! amen.

100 Calories of LIES

Yesterday I went to the happiest place on earth.... Costco.

I bought 6 gallons of milk because I love milk more than I love Jared.

I also bought an amazing assortment of 100 calorie snacks! I was so excited to have guilt free cookies at my fingertips. I figured I could pack them in my lunches every day when I skip to school.

Little did I know.......Keebler LIES!!!! And they package their lies in cute pouches of 100 calories or less. The package does not warn you. It should say:

WARNING: these snacks are freaking delicious and once you eat one bag you will probably eat 5-6 more. Then, a few minutes later, you will remember how good they are and eat two more entire bags. And Surprise!!! Your 100 calorie snack is now a 900 calorie snack.

I hate you and your mouth-watering lies, Keebler. amen.

I Love Things

"The best things in life aren't things."

This clever play on the original quote, "The best things in life are free", was scratched into the paint on a bathroom stall at Cal State University. Mid-pee, I was forced to contemplate my relationship with material goods. The person/philosopher who wrote this had obviously:

A) been extremely bored while going #1 or #2
B) been inspired by the "for a good time call XXX-2959" message written below it
and/or
C) come to the profound conclusion that tangible objects are not what makes life worth living.

Apparently this person has never been to Costco.

A few of my favorite:

The Swiffer
This little beauty sweeps up the stuff your broom leaves behind.
And the little sweeper things are disposable. I am all about reducing waste, but not when throwing it away is so convenient. Available in bulk at Costco.

My iPod
Many a plane rides and sessions at the gym would be ruined if it wasn't for my iPod. I can listen to 8 gigs of music while ignoring those around me. If someone tries to talk to me, I can politely refuse by pointing to my headphones and mouthing the words, "Sorry! I cant hear you!", making my anti-social behavior slightly more acceptable. (Also a Costco purchase.)

Facebook
Where else am I going to see all the cool kids from high school who are now overweight and paroled? Do not tell me that you don't feel giddy when someone from your past, fails at life.

Hot Dog and Drink for $1.50
Also available at your local Costco.

Pink Lip gloss
I would die without it. Sadly, not available at Costco or any Farmers Market.......yet.

My House
Even though it is old and still boasts the cross from the nuns that used to live here, I am stoked that I don't have to live in anyone's basement anymore.

Pen and Moleskin Notepads
How else would I fill up time while sitting in class and church. I need a creative outlet. It just so happens to be that my outlet involves drawing naughty pictures and showing them to the people around me.

Adult Acne Topical Cream
Is an explanation really needed? Without it, I look like I am an angst filled 14 year old who does not yet know the value of washing your face.


Lets all take this day to forget what is really important and ponder all the material possessions that make our life worth living.

Shameless Shopping

Jared and I are extremely frugal. I would even go so far as to say we are "cheap". But the last few weeks our behavior has been taken to a whole other level. Examples of our frugality:

• We have an extensive collection of DVDs. I mean its ridiculous how many we have. Two cabinets are full of everything from The Goonies and Labyrinth to Bride Wars and 7 Pounds. We are too cheap to go to the movie theatre, so we are always on the look out for sales on movies. Many date nights have been spent searching for a DVD and watching it while we bask in pride at how we only spent $5.99.
• I cannot remember the last time I paid full price for anything. I always buy clothes on sale or go through a friend to get the employee discount. I never buy groceries that aren't on sale. If I can find green beans for a good price we'll eat that for the next 2 weeks. Saving money makes the beans taste better.
  
• I am also Costco's #1 fan. Can you think of anything better that 3 bottles of toilet cleaner for $7.99? I didn't think so.
  
• I am a farmer's market fiend. I drive to Ventura some Saturdays just to take advantage of the amazingly fresh food and low prices. I am usually the only white person there and I buy a lot, so in my broken Spanish I can barter them down a little.
• I use the library like a crack whore uses crack. Free books? Count me in.
• Every Saturday I make sure my garbage can for yard waste is full. Whether it's filled with palm fronds or weeds I make sure that I am getting my money's worth of trash collection.

As I mentioned before the last couple of weeks we have taken this to a whole new level.

• At work, the computer freaked out and printed nonsense on about 300 pages of paper. When I was emptying the trash I saw it. I dug it out and lovingly saved it. Only one side was ruined right? I could totally make little notebooks out of it for my nasty drawings.
  I brought it home and Jared said he was proud of me.
• Jared also did his fair share of dumpster diving. He came home with about 15 nice size cardboard boxes. Brand new! I don't know what we need them for but we'll figure something out.
  
• While we are passionate yard sale shoppers, Jared bought a new bookshelf for ten dollars. It is really nice and originally $20. It was totally worth the $20, but was that good enough? No! We should have just stolen it.

• We carpool when we can and plan our errands out to minimize gas usage. We have been looking for a more fuel-efficient vehicle and even considered a stripped down Nissan Versa. No air conditioning. No radio. The windows had to be rolled up and down manually and it didn't come with the floor mats. Yes. I actually considered this option.
  

I took a step back and finally realized that sometimes you have to get some things you want along with the things you need. Otherwise there is no reason to work so hard and save so much.
While I think it is good to not waste things, there is a fine balance that must be maintained. Maybe someday I'll be able to attain it, until then I will proudly comb through trash for little treasures.

amen.

My introduction to Ohio

I originally intended this blog to be insightful and witty . I then remembered that I am a 24 year old girl living in southern California and cannot deliver either of these things. I am sorry. However, I can provide possibly entertaining stories of the crazy and often embarrassing things that always happen to me.

I recently moved from the heart of the Midwest. Though I grew up on the West Coast, I have lived in Ohio the past two years of my life.
When I arrived in Ohio, I decided to go the local Sam's Club (I'm addicted to shopping in bulk). I needed to pick up tortillas so my husband could cook my dinner. I'll get to my lack of domestic skills later. I searched everywhere but could not find them (the tortillas, not my domestic skills.) I had to ask one of the creepy sample hander-outers where they were.

Me: Excuse me? Can you tell me where the tortillas are? (I did not want to say ma'am or sir because I was not sure what category sample-person fit under.)

Sample-person: Ummmm..... I don't thank we have tortillas here...

Me: You don't have tortillas?

Sample-person: Nope.

Me: (showing her my shopping list with the word tortilla written out) They are for making burritos.... Are you sure you don't have any?

Sample-person: OH!!! TOR-TEAL-AH! they're over on isle 5....