Last night and all day today I have had the worst cramps of my life. Instead of sleeping last night I rolled into a ball on the floor in Jared's office and watched Survivor reruns.
Here I was curled up in a ball while all my female parts did their best to kill me... ok, maybe not kill, but they were definitely trying to piss me off, and it was working. At one point I almost threw up on Jared's flip flops, I was so lightheaded I couldn't even walk to the kitchen to get juice.
It was Park Day today too. I am on spring break so I could have gone and hung out with some cool girls from my church and tease their kids. But no, my body had other plans.
I hope you are feeling really bad for me.
I got really sweaty and actually considered a home hysterectomy. I thought maybe I could call Rasputin up to come over and use his skills in wizardry to help me.
After a few hours of feeling sorry for myself, Jared came in a put me in bed.
I still couldn't sleep, so I hobbled into the office again. I searched the Internet in hopes of finding home remedies for when your uterus hates you.
I found the following suggestions:
Take Birth Control.
(Good idea if you're not trying to get knocked up, but Jared and I have been practicing furiously.)
Soak in a Hot Bath.
(Have you seen my bathtub? It's from the 1970's and I know for a fact that the old nuns have been naked in that very tub. Though I have cleaned it, the thought of pressing cheeks with nuns makes me shudder.)
Take Advil or Midol.
(Done. But thanks for nothing over-the-counter meds.)
(I already do that and look where its gotten me, rolled up on the office floor like a scared rat.)
Use a Heating Pad.
(Jared and I can't even afford these Blue Steve Madden shoes I want really bad, do you think I want to spend my shoe fund on a boring heating pad? No. I don't.)
(Yeah, that sounds awesome when I am bloated, breaking out, nauseous and can't even stand up straight. Great Idea.)
Thanks for nothing Internet. I'm calling Rasputin. amen.