Birthday Card

I made my dad a birthday card:

 Adorable right?!?!?

I hope he appreciated the time and skill level associated with a drawing of this caliber.

I know, I know..... I should go into the card making business.

Chickens and Goats

I planned a field trip for the third graders at the Boys and Girls Club.

My boss and I both drove huge vans full of giddy, pants-peeing kids to:

The Painted Pony Farm in Ojai.  

 

 Jared and Cryin' Ryan tagged along. 

 Everyone got to hold bunnies and chicks. 

 Ryan made out with a chicken then tried to tear it's beak off.

 

All the kids also got to milk a goat. My boss tried it after I reminded him about the bragging rights that come with being able to milk things. He had a disgusted look on his face the entire milking. 

I guess he's not that comfortable around goat nips.

Then Farmer Steve let the kids feed the goats. Ryan always gets excited around animals. He loves them. Like, seriously LOVES them. He tried to lick this goat: 

The best part about this field trip was this kid getting pooped on by a chicken:

Why yes, that IS a poop shaped like a wiener, thanks for asking. 

The other staff and I just stood there laughing. My boss was nice enough to help a kid out. 

Right after the poor kid was turded on, Pee-baby sneezed boogers all over his arm.

 Then we looked at a pig.

amen.

Sorry for Hitting You in the Face

I have written an infinite amount of apology letters throughout my lifetime.

• Sorry for mooning your dad
• Sorry for being a sloppy punk
• Sorry for burning dinner
• Sorry for answering the door in my bikini
• Sorry that I painted your little boy's fingernails
• Sorry that I only check my email once a week
• Sorry I snuck in your pool and swam naked
• Sorry that I didn't shower
• Sorry I showed an entire audience my camel toe
• Sorry that my baby pooped on you

...... you get the idea.

But the apology letter I had to write last Friday was unprecedented. 

At a church activity we were playing games. I got a little too competitive and nailed a 15 year old dude, right in the face. Hard.

My hand hurt afterwards. 

That's right folks, that homemade card says "Sorry I hit you in the face."

I felt so bad that I even made him cookies.

amen.

Happy Mother's Day to ME!

Last Sunday we celebrated my first Mother's Day. 

Ryan was born last year before Mother's Day but since I don't consider newborns real people yet, it obviously didn't count.

Why I am an awesome Mom:

• I read to Ryan everyday
• I take pictures of him in questionable situations

 

• I take him on walks all the time
• I let him ruin everything

 

• I run him around the house in his toy truck, full sprint
• I feed him
• I change his foul, foul diapers
• Every afternoon nap he takes I hold and cuddle him the whole time
• I take him to work with me and let him play with the little kids
• I have only taken 1 nakey picture of him, and I promise I won't show it to his future girl friends

 

• I let him take 45 minute long baths
• I  didn't get mad when he didn't eat his birthday cake

•  I only make fun of him a few times a day for making this face:

•  I let him touch goats.

Need I go on? 

I am a way better mom than I though I would be. 

Probably because I learned everything from the 2nd best (next to me) Mom ever!

$500 and Pee Stains

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I hate that phrase but seriously...

OMG!

Victoria's Secret sometimes issues incentive cards with your purchase. They are only valid for the following month. I got mine in March ergo, I could only use it April 1-30. The cards have a surprise amount of store credit, but you have to go back to the store to find out how much it's worth. They have at least $10 and up to $500.

Since April 30 was the last day you could use the incentive cards. I went in a grabbed a $10 lotion knowing the card had at least $10 on it.

The sales girl swiped the card and her jaw dropped.

$500 dollars was on the gift card!!! OMG!

I peed my pants more that I did at the trampoline park a few weeks ago!

I had to spend it all as April 30 was the last day it would be valid.

 My receipt was longer than the pee stains down my pants!

I assume this is the universe telling me:

A. I need to wear hotter pajamas

B. The Bombshell bra is not for amateurs
C. God wants me to have more lip gloss and lotion


Now I can cross "win something awesome" off my life's to do list. 

I went home and tested some of my new lingerie for my husband.

Afterwards, I heard something at the foot of the bed and found this little pervert:

Chucky the voyeur.

I have had a crap-eating grin on my face for the last 2 days. (Not because my cat watched me bang my husband, but because I won $500.)

 Looks like someone has been earning some good karma lately....I even got out of jury duty yesterday.

OMG! amen.