Monday, October 31, 2011

Pube-saline

Jake's wedding dinner in 2003 doubled as a brainstorming session. My siblings, Jared and I all convened to form a master plan of how to decorate our Jerk-off  brother's car after his wedding reception.
I immediately thought of pubes. Anytime you want to make something memorable.... use pubes.

But pubes alone would blow off the car and leave the parking lot a black wiry mess. 

Enter VASELINE.
An inspired stroke of genius by yours truly.

A healthy mixture of equal parts pubes and vaseline would adhere beautifully to the car.

My two younger brothers executed my genius idea. They had a mutual photography session while harvesting said pubes.

During Jake's wedding reception they snuck out and smeared the concoction all over the windows and underneath the door handles. It was a masterpiece.

Jake and his new Bride skipped out to their car. Chivalry prevailed as Jake grabbed hold of his infected door handle for his wife.

I stood in the crowd laughing harder than I ever have in my life.

Jake eyed the goop suspiciously.
"It's PUBES!!!" my brothers yelled, clearly pleased with themselves.

Jake chased them down and cleaned his hand on their faces. amen.

Friday, October 28, 2011

72 hours

As a Mormon I am genetically wired to to do specific things. The very DNA that runs through my veins compels me to act a certain way.

Lately I have this innate need to gather material goods and put them in a backpack.

Behold the 72 hour kit:



These bad boys are supposed to save people in the event of an emergency. The idea is jam as much crap as can possible fit into a portable bag. Then when a tsunami or earthquake strikes, you can calmly put on your 72-hour backpack and strut into the community meeting place with all your emergency essentials.

I can already imagine it.

Everyone will give me the evil eye as I smugly change into clean underwear and munch on my 2000-calorie granola and freeze-dried berries. Envious onlookers will cringe as I drop water-purifying tablets into my stainless steel bottles.


I will blow my emergency whistle with pride before I fire up my hand-crank radio. I will stand as a beacon providing everyone within a 100 foot radius with light from my lantern that lasts continuously for 144 hours.

Then I will apply lipgloss so I'm ready for the rescue parties to arrive.

It will be awesome.

Moral of the story:
In the event of an emergency - find some Mormons.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Evils of Baby Formula

So a few weeks ago Breastfeeding took an unexpected turn. My boobs started running out of milk.

To be honest, I wasn't that stoked about breastfeeding to begin with. I don't like sitting still for more than 10 minutes at a time, and breastfeeding requires you do this for around 6-8 hours each day. Bleh.

I ended up having to supplement with formula. Then I realized that I actually kind of like breastfeeding. My little baby depends on me. I'm giving him the healthiest option available to him right now and I get to cuddle with Pee-baby 6-8 hours a day. Plus he plays with my hair the whole time........ (sigh.........).

Jared was frieking out when he found out I had given Ryan a bottle of formula. He thought Ryan was going to start having convulsions and grow up harboring severe neglect issues. 

Jared's jaw dropped and his eyes grew wide when I told him this was not the first bottle I had to supplement with.

 "You just need to make more milk..... just concentrate."
So I closed my eyes.
I concentrated really hard.
I sqeezed.

But no milk came out.


I went to the store and bought some Brewer's yeast and Fenugreek. Both of these supplements are known to increase milk supply and both are nastier than Ryan's peanut butter poop.

Do you people have any other tips to increase Breastmilk? And by "you people", I mean Heather Johnson.... because I know you've been breastfeeding for years.

I really hope this had nothing to do with the Pumice Stone.

Friday, October 14, 2011

T is for Treasure

Idle hands are the devil's playground and this applies especially to me.
It is not good for me to be bored. I always get into trouble when I am board. Always.
So lately I've been reorganizing my house.

It amazing what you find while going through your stuff.

Here are a few examples:

1 Old embarrassing trophy from when I lost Miss Riverton.


1 velcro wallet

 
2 Awkward animals given to me as gifts.
  • Red and White dog given to me randomly by my dad as when I was an angst ridden teen.
  • Manatee given to me by Jared who often says that poo looks like a dead manatee.
 4 Creepy Saw movies. I have no idea where I got these or why they are in my house.


1 huge box of Condoms from Costco..... actually now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure my friend Adrienne gave these to us after we had Cryin Ryan.











 "The church book"
used for drawing dirty pictures during church when I was younger.



 
4 Enemas I was too scared to use while I was pregnant and grossly constipated











 

 1 Bottle of Centrum Silver. Old people vitamins. I dont know where these came from either.








Who knew such treasures existed in my own house! I can't wait to reorganize the pantry!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Meet The Minions

Minion 1: Miss Emily!!!! Did you watch the Kim Kardashian wedding? OMG! Her first dress was my favorite.  

Minion 2: I don't know why she married Kris though..... He's not even that fancy. 

Minion 3: Did You know Lamar really wanted Kim and not Khloe? 

M2: Oh my gosh! Does Khloe know?

M1: I think Kim is soooooo pretty. My mom said I can be her for Halloween!

M3: I'm going to be Snookie! My skin is already tan like hers!

M1: Miss Emily!!!! You could dress Baby Ryan like The Situation!

This is what I walked into yesterday at work. I had barely laid Ryan down in the office before I was ambushed by this nonsense. 

Unfortunately, I knew exactly what they were talking about.

These 2nd graders followed me around all last year. 
I put them to good use. I taught them how to make copies, snatch Gatorade from the teachers lounge and now they know how to feed and burp Cryin Ryan.
They also clean the staff bathroom for me since I cannot concentrate enough to pee when other people's pubes are littering the floor around me.


Hence the name, The Minions. 
And I adore them.

But they have inspired me to not let Ryan watch cable t.v..........

Friday, October 7, 2011

Frank 2.0

After 5 months of being a stay at home mom, I decided I can't hack it. People weren't messing around when they said it was the hardest job ever.

So I got my old job at the Boys and Girls Club back.


I'm only working around 10 hours a week and can come in whenever I want. With Jared's new work schedule, he is home a few weekdays so he can watch Cryin Ryan for the few hours I'm gone.

I can also bring Baby with me if I feel like it. I actually brought him with me the past two days and Cryin Ryan was a little angel. I wish I knew that all Pee-baby needed was constant attention from a swarm of 2nd grade girls and a 19 year-old staff member named LaShawn.

On my first day back I walk into the cafeteria and was mobbed by all the germy little gremlins.

My favorite little boy,
Frank poked his over-sized head up out of the masses.

Frankie Poo:
Did you have your baby?

Miss Emily
: Yes.

FP: Did the doctor cut it out of your stomach?

ME:
No.

FP:
AAAWWWWW! It came out the nasty way?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ME:
Yes Frank, I had my baby the nasty way.

Frank scraped his tongue with his fingernails to get the bad taste out of his mouth.

I smiled.

amen.

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